I’m on record and I’ll say it again, Sonoma has the nation’s best small town newspaper, the inestimable Sonoma-Index Tribune. And the best part of that twice-weekly paper is the Crime Report. Yes, the editors of the IT have taken the mundane police blotter and turned it into Pulitzer-worthy High Art. More often than not, the roundup of petty thefts, public drunkenness and misdemeanor hijinks reads as if Mark Twain had written it.
The Crime Report is the first thing I turn to. So imagine my surprise and delight this past Tuesday when I found the lead item under the title above. Now the the Crime Report is channeling Shakespeare. As a public service, I repeat the entire item report below:
Love’s Labours Lost in Sonoma?
Shakespeare’s 400-year-old comedy got a partial replay at a west side Sonoma home early on the morning of Saturday, June 12, with one impromptu performer playing the part of Spanish swordsman Don Adriano de Armado, and another playing the country idiot Costard.
In this real-life re-enactment, the Don Armado character returned to the home of his lady love on Junipero Serra Drive in the early morning hours after picking her son up at the airport.
As he was retrieving one of two suitcases from his car at about 2 a.m. the Costard character rode past on a bicycle and shouted, “You’re dead!”
Armado returned for the second suitcase at which point, vouchsafed a witness, Costard passed by again and exclaimed, with Shakespearean passion, “You stole my girlfriend.”
According to the best information assembled by Sonoma police, Armado judiciously retreated toward the front door of the house but Costard pursued him, crashing through the front door “like a linebacker,” and carrying Don Armado through the portal and into the adjacent kitchen.
The only way this could get better for me would be if they made a play out of it starring terriers!
There, the larger and stronger Don Armado pinned the apparently inebriated Costard to the floor until the fair maiden in question appeared and urged Don Armado to release the wastrel beneath him so that her ex-lover could make a timely departure.
Don Armado released Costard, who promptly sucker-punched the swordsman in the eye. Armado quickly put Costard back on the floor and restrained him for a matter of minutes before seizing him by the hair and escorting him from the house like an unruly child, all the while telephoning police with a wireless device not available in Shakespeare’s time.
Police were alerted to look for a man in his late 40s in a black leather jacket with a bicycle.
The gendarmerie quickly spotted him and arrested his progress by directed him to stop forthwith and sit on the curb. Costard objected and replied that he had been assaulted and wished to press charges. The odor of alcohol, noted the responding officer, was heavily upon his person.
Remember the modern dress movie version from Kenneth Branagh? The Sonoma version is better!
Upon questioning the aggrieved parties – Don Armado and the fair maiden – along with adjacent witnesses, police arrived at the conclusion that Costard was, in fact, the offending party. But the inebriate insisted that, as he innocently passed the fair maiden’s home on his two-wheeled steed after departing a local saloon, Don Armado lay in wait, hiding “behind a box,” jumped out and attacked him. They grappled on the ground, said Costard, before the fight somehow migrated to the house.
In that case, said the officer, if you fought so vigorously outside, how came this hat of yours to be left in the home?
“It’s a tight fit,” explained Costard.”
Whereupon the officer placed the hat on the offending head and it slipped off easily.
Costard, aged 54, was levied charges of burglary, false imprisonment, battery and disobeying a court order.
Don Armado, also 54, did press the charge of assault against his adversary and the fair maiden, 49, did secure an emergency restraining order against the same, after a learned magistrate was roused, none too happily from sleep, at 3 a.m. In all, a night of high drama was had by all.
If this isn’t a compelling argument for why electronic media will never kill the hometown paper, I don’t know what is?
NOTE: The Sonoma Index-Tribune’s coverage area is aggressively local. I don’t know that you can even get it outside of Sonoma and the few satellite hamlets and wide spots in the road surrounding our town. But all of you can enjoy the electronic version here. Don’t forget to activate the drop down menu under News and read the Crime Report!
ADDENDUM: The above Crime Report is copyright Sonoma Index-Tribune. I haven’t exactly reprinted with permission. But as I’m their Number One FanGrrrl, I don’t think they’ll mind.
Oh that is just too funny!
Very enjoyable. I await IT’s next electronic Crime Report offering with bated breath.
Do you know about Wishbone? A now defunct (on YouTube though) children’s tv show about a Jack Russell Terrier who dreams about being the lead character of classic literature. Alas, no Love’s Labour’s Lost.
Thank you for the crime report, very funny.
I forgot about Wishbone, but then we generally ignore Jack Russells as not quite up to Smooth Fox Terrier perfection.
I’d want my terrier play to be based on the Sonoma I-T crime report version though, not on Shakespeare’s.
Doggies! I haven’t read in a while and love catching up. I too love your local paper. I’m curious. When I last visited there was a farmers’ market scandal. Has that been settled?
I must tell you that I enjoyed your post a few days back regarding a blogging bully. I have felt that bully’s mean words before and was grateful for your defense. I’m not surprised that the communal site is shutting down. Lisa, you continue on as you are. Two Terriers doesn’t produce sour grapes.
Carry on.
Oh the great Sonoma Farmer’s Market Scandals continue. Did you catch my reportage of the Clown Invasion? http://leftcoastcowboys.com/2010/04/19/making-sonoma-safe-for-greasepaint/
The latest is that the town council has warned management they are on “a tight leash” and the President of the market has resigned claiming the council is calling him “a dog”. Of course, in our neck of the woods, we’d see that as praise!
Funny you should mention sour grapes. Cousin John just emailed me a use for them — more specifically the unripe bunches we cull to make the remaining grapes more flavorful. The French make “verjus” out of them which is a lighter, milder vinegar used in cooking. Stay tuned!
that was quite the blow by blow. “The odor of alcohol….was heavily upon his person” You don’t say!
Carma, let it never be said that Shakespeare or his imitators are short on words!
“It’s a tight fit.”
That doesn’t make sense to me (re: how it got inside the house), but nonetheless, produced a laugh.
I think Costard was claiming that he was jumped by Don Armado and dragged kicking and screaming into the house. Whereas witnesses saw Costard kick down the door and run in. The police concluded that there couldn’t have been a big struggle OUTSIDE if Costard’s hat was inside. But Costard says it was possible to have a big brawl outside and be dragged inside, while still keeping hat on head, because it was such a snug fit.
You know, I would have paid money to see this go down.
Hilarious!! I do love small town crime reports in general (Malibu’s are quite amusing), but this one is a masterpiece.
Don’t you love little local papers? My fave was a paper that had a CLOSE UP of a new parking lot on the front page. A close up. Of blacktop. Oh yes they did. 🙂
If only our local papers were as amusing! Alas, it is not the case. They are, however, free of charge (a good thing, being boring and all).
I write for a small town paper, and I have to say, small town papers are incredible. For virtually no pay, reporters cover everything with passion, and a wonderful sense of humor.
I’m the humor columnist there. It’s my job to make Germans laugh.
Don’t ask.
Can one make Germans laugh? I ask that as someone who lived in Germany for several years.