Since his stint as POTUS ended, George W. Bush has almost completely disappeared from view. Think about it. When was the last time you’ve seen him, heard him interviewed or read any article at all about him? But there is one place where old Dubya has remained a constant presence. Two Terrier Vineyards. I’m sure you are surprised given that we are Liberal Left Coasters and all. Granted, I have been known to boast that I am doing “George W. Bush Ranching” which consists of having no livestock but terriers. And I do have a standing invitation out to Shrub to come by the ranch any time he feels like cutting brush. But the reason George W. Bush has remained front and center in our minds around here is that he has long been little Oscar’s absolute favorite chew toy.
That’s saying a lot as our dogs have many, many toys. There’s a Big Mean Kitty, there are numerous stuffed bears, monkeys, and even a moose. And I’m only listing the official toys. Up in Sonoma there are sticks and fence lizards and rotting deer carcasses and all manner of great things to play with. But Oscar has always been very clear about his preference for his Dubya Doll. Well, to be truthful, he’d trade Dubya for a squeeky ball, but Oscar is banned from any toy that squeeks. Squeeky things make him more batshit crazy than Charlie Sheen. (Believe me, you don’t want Charlie Sheen attitude in a terrier body.) So George W. Bush has remained the chew toy of choice for most of Oscar’s short life.
What is amazing is that Dubya has managed to last so long. Chew toys have a very short life around here. If they aren’t shredded in seconds, they tend to get lost when Oscar grabs one and heads out to the North Forty. Oh, Dubya’s had some close calls around here, but like a bad penny, he kept coming back. The Dubya chew toy has had to be rescued many times from Lake Charles where Oscar tends to drop him. He was once covered up by a load of delivered gravel. Lucy has stolen him and attempted to bury him. But, knowing how devoted Oscar is to his Dubya toy, anyone in the know around here is on the alert for Shrub and conditioned to return him whenever he is found in peril.
Unfortunately, retrieving George Bush from peril has become such a joke around here that John and his crew started getting very creative about the process. That’s how, a few weeks ago, George was rescued from the pond filter and, as a joke, tucked under the windshield wiper of Andy’s car. Cue torrential rain through which Andy drove his truck out of the gate, flipped on the windshield wipers and sent George W. Bush flying into the middle of the road out by the pasture. There Dubya stayed face down on the blacktop while John, Louis, Andy and I discussed who wanted to brave the task of returning him and how it would be done. Seems George had gone flying at exactly the most dangerous part of a winding country road — a narrow stretch with a blind turn at each end, a fence on either side and no shoulders to pull off on. None of us really wanted to risk our lives for George W. Bush — especially a kapok stuffed one.
We dithered, torrential rain kept falling, a freeze came and the County dumped a load of sand on the road for traction. That was the last we saw of George. He must have been swept into the drainage creek which feeds into the larger Sonoma Creek. By now, he’s probably floating in San Pablo Bay.
Unfortunately, replacing Dubya is not going to be easy. I found the site for the manufacturer and was initially excited to see that the Dubya toy is marked down on most sites. Sadly, further reading and browsing found that the toy has been discontinued and is not available, except for a few models at ridiculous prices on eBay. In fact, it seems political chew toys have fallen out of favor altogether. In a fit of bi-partisanship, I briefly considered the “Bark” Obama toy, but it, too, is discontinued.
Where does that leave little Oscar? Any of you crafty people want to sew up a John Boehner or Michele Bachmann chew toy?
Or could someone just send a few live congresspeople up this way and I’ll set the terriers on them.