There’s a saying in our house that things would be so much better if terriers were running things. It’s not just the terriers saying it. And it’s not being said in ignorance of the fact that terriers DO run things around here. But the Terrier Sphere of Influence has yet to be extended throughout the halls of government and abroad. It should be. Therefore I’m shocked — shocked I tell you — that the scrambling press, pundits and talking heads of the media have yet to turn the microphone on the canine constituency to find out which candidate they’re backing. Those who are owned by Smooth Fox Terriers will agree that such information would be a useful guide to who really should be the Oval Office tenant come January.
First a disclaimer. Yes, our terriers do live in a notoriously Liberal West Coast household. Well, it could be termed “notoriously Liberal” if more than one of us could vote. Despite Andy’s Legal Alien status, he still leans Left in most cases. But he’d be willing to cast his vote [if he had one] with terriers. Be advised that the terriers do not always vote the expected Democratic Party line. They still haven’t forgiven Lyndon Baines Johnson for that shocking photo of him lifting his beagle by the ears. LBJ famously said his Civil Rights legislation lost the South for the Democratic Party for a generation. His dog photo almost lost the Terrier Vote for an eternity.
So for those who are undecided or need confirmation that their inclinations are correct, here’s how the Terrier Vote is stacking up in our household. Don’t have a terrier? You still need to pay attention. As the terriers go, so go the Dachshunds and Border Collies. And once the Smart Dog Vote is in, the Labs, Golden Retrievers and Spaniels fall in line.
He’s trailing in the polls, but the terriers are still weighing in. While, terriers don’t like to be single issue voters, in this case, they are making an exception. Two words: Gay Rights. Santorum’s not for them. Therefore, he’s not garnering a single Terrier Vote. You see, there is a great deal of solidarity between canines and the LGBT community. Informal observation has shown us that terriers get the best pats and appreciative comments in San Francisco’s Castro District. And let us not forget that Director Tom Ford and his partner, Richard Buckley, have had the great good sense to own many award-winning Smooth Fox Terriers and to star them in a most excellent movie (with Colin Firth). A Single Man, as we pointed out here, is certainly the finest Smooth Fox Terrier movie of the last several decades. Perhaps The Citizen Cane of Smooth Fox Terrier movies. In short, vote anti-Gay and kiss the Terrier Vote goodbye.
I’m afraid Ron Paul made a big misstep with this “Big Dog” ad he launched in New Hampshire. He shows himself as a big dog — what looks to be a Rottweiler — and his opponents as whimpering Shih Tzus. Big mistake. Terriers know it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. Anyone who equates dog tenacity and guts with size clearly doesn’t have the backs of the Terrier Community. Besides, all that talk about slash and burn cutting probably means Paul would stand by and watch parks and protected open spaces get closed for lack of funding. Sorry, Dr. Paul. In spite of an excellent last name, you lose the Terrier Vote.
Even astute political observers such as Smooth Fox Terriers have to be allowed a few knee-jerk reactions. No, the terriers don’t know where Newt stands on important issues like off-leash dog parks. They just don’t like him. Clearly, from the looks of him, he’s not the kind of guy to share table scraps. And the terriers are convinced Calista would run the kind of home with white wall to wall carpeting that bans slimy tennis balls, rawhide toys and muddy paws. So a big nope on Gingrich.
I can barely even type the terrier response to this candidate through all the snarling and teeth baring. Anyone who is unacquainted with Crate Gate, better get themselves to the excellent Dogs Against Romney site. Find out how the Mittster shoved his Irish Setter in a crate, strapped him to the top of the family car and hit the road for hours without allowing a potty break until the poor frightened dog lost control of his bowels. This is wrong on so many levels. Suffice it to say, the Mittster is lucky he wasn’t shoving a terrier into that crate. Because he’d be adding up his millions with fewer fingers on the calculator. The terriers are not fans of Fox News — well, you know how Smooth Fox Terriers feel about foxes — but even that network is taking the terrier side on this issue. So four paws down and a big snarl to Mitt Romney. Not getting the Terrier Vote.
The terriers have had their issues with Obama, not the least of which was the fact that he ignored their excellent advice on choosing a Smooth Fox Terrier as First Pet. (They were also pushing to have a terrier elevated to a Cabinet position). But they like his demonstrated positions on Defense. Military experts will tell you a strong defense begins at home. Extensive photographic evidence shows Obama walking Bo through the White House lawns allowing him to mark his territory. That sends a strong message to bad guys from Putin to the Taliban to more domestic enemies.
Then, of course, this is the President who deploys SEAL teams at the drop of a tennis ball — always accompanied by K-9 operatives. I have it on the good authority of my SEAL friend that the dogs are [alas] not terriers and do not have Titanium teeth — an accessory it would not even be necessary to contemplate if Obama had the sense to deploy terriers.
Yes, the terriers have a few bones to pick with Obama. But overall, they find him a Calm Assertive Pack Leader. He gets the Terrier Vote. Prepare for a landslide victory come November. Sure dogs can’t vote. But they have teeth and they can patrol the polls. Think twice before pulling the wrong lever or punching the wrong chad.
Remember, it’s a Smooth Fox Terrier World and we just live in it.