Left Coast Cowboys

Two years ago, I took my niece on a cross-country roadtrip to celebrate her graduation from college. She was content to let me plan the whole trip, but there was one place she was insistent that we visit: Graceland. I wasn’t enthusiastic.

You see, I’m too young to remember the vibrant, rock ‘n’ roll Elvis. By the time I was listening to popular music, he was a fat, washed up, druggy joke. I did have one brief glimpse at his impact on the day of his death (see this earlier post.) But all in all, he’s not a star I would go out of my way to learn about.

Boy, did Graceland change my mind! Well, in the beginning, it was all that my snarky self expected — weird, tacky and filled with people who were taking it all waaaaay too seriously.

A surprisingly small Graceland. It would be the smallest home in your average gated community.

The first odd thing you notice about Graceland, is that everyone who works there is Black. I mean EVERYONE from the ticket taker to the tour guide to the concession stand and gift shop operators to the maintenance people. With the psuedo-Tara facade of the place, it gives it the feeling of a strange plantation.

The next thing you notice is how small and relatively modest everything is. The house is less impressive in size than anything you’d see in a mid-range gated community. And the outbuildings, such as Vern Presley’s office and the guest quarters, are pretty much the architectural equivalent of double-wides.

The Pool Room: just one example of Evis's terrible White Trash taste.

Then you get inside. Holy gold lame with a cape! This has got to be the apotheosis of White Trash Taste. We’re talking purple shag carpeting ON THE CEILING, ceramic monkeys, gold flecked mirrors on the walls, fake wood paneling. (Our pictures on Flickr can’t even do it justice, but view ‘em anyway here.)

Something happened during the tour — and I think it was due to the excellent self-guided audio tour that features Elvis, Priscilla, Lisa Marie and various famous people talking about Elvis. But it was most certainly the video monitors set up at nearly every point in the tour showing him in performance. In fact, after awhile, I had a hard time concentrating on the tour as I was riveted by his performances. (Luckily you can stop, start and replay any section — and you can take as long as you want on the tour.) I’ll tell you what we learned: Elvis was an amazing performer!

At Graceland, Elvis is still in the building. Note the TCB (Takin' Care of Business) logo. It's everywhere.

But he was also an incredibly sad individual with a tragic stunted life. Listening to Lisa Marie describe him playing around in go-carts and shooting off fireworks with his friends, you realize, he never really grew up. And Lisa Marie seemed not to have a connection with him as a father, but only as a “presence” who changed the energy in a room when he entered and electrified audiences on stage.

There were points in the tour where Aleana and I were practically in tears.

But the videos pulled us out of it. Now I’m a huge Elvis fan and my next Amazon purchase will be the deluxe special editions of his “68 Comeback Special” and “Aloha From Hawaii”.

Our post-Graceland blue mood was lifted on Beale Street by these friendly Shriners.

It was tough to shake the mood after that, so we headed down Beale Street — and straight into a club featuring the worst Elvis impersonator in the world. I think he was trying to be “The Native American Elvis” as his blue jumpsuit featured turquoise beads and he said he was Chocktaw. He also said he knew Elvis personally, but then everyone in Memphis of a certain age tells you they knew Elvis personally. However, after Graceland, we felt we, too, knew the King.

To quote Paul Simon:

“And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there’s no obligations now
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We all will be received in Graceland”

Two years ago, as I planned a cross-country roadtrip with my niece, she said: “We have to swing by Graceland to see The King.” I had to tell her, “Don’t look to Graceland, if you seek the King”. On the trip, we drove right by the boyhood home of the REAL King as we headed into the Smoky Mountains. We didn’t plan a stop. There was no need to. Because the King isn’t in Tennessee anymore. Oh, Tennessee claims him. They’ve even preserved his boyhood cabin. But The King of the Wild Frontier is alive and well in California, making wine, building luxury inns and making himself a mint.

I’m talking about none other than Fess Parker — television’s first superstar and the man who sold millions of coonskin caps. I was actually shocked to learn that the Davy Crockett phenomenon started years before I was born when Disney first aired the four part TV show, The Legend of Davy Crockett. Believe me, the fad was still going strong a decade later when I distinctly remember hitting my younger brother over the head with my Davy Crockett Flintlock Rifle. Caps and replicas of “Old Betsy” were the least of it. At one point, everything that could be stamped with “Davy Crockett” was. (To get a handle on the magnitude of the phenomenon, see this interview with Fess Parker. And remember, when the TV show aired, four separate versions of the theme song hit the Billboard Top Ten!)

Open yourself a bottle of Frontier Red. It's a pleasant Rhone-style blend. That leaves just a hint of the Wild Frontier at the back of the palette.

Now, in the ultimate, example of following your market, Fess Parker’s making wine. And his low-priced Rhone style wine even has his face on it. It’s the ultimate Baby Boomer gift. You had the cap. Your parents bought you the lunchbox. Now get the wine.

Not that Fess Parker is a dilettante. His wines are winning awards and getting great notices, even from that ultimate wine arbiter, Robert Parker (who is not related, but probably secretly wishes he was cool enough to be!) Fess Parker’s son, Eli, the chief winemaker, was named 2006’s Andre Tchelistcheff Winemaker of the Year at the San Francisco International Wine Competition.

One of the next roadtrips I’m planning? Down to Los Olivos to visit the Fess Parker Winery. Of course, I’ll be staying at Fess Parker’s Wine Country Inn and Spa.

And I’ll be wearing my coonskin cap.

*********

Got fond memories of Fess Parker? Then as Jimmy Buffet says: “Jump right up and show your age.” Sing along with me. You know you know the words!

Dig out those old pictures of you with your Davy Crockett gear on. You can submit them to the Fess Parker Winery website for prizes.

“Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee
Greenest state in the Land of the Free
Lived in the woods so’s he knowed every tree
Kilt him a b’ar when he was only three.

Da-a-a-avy, Davy Crockett
King of the Wild Frontier”

Davy Crockett Trivia: When the real Davy Crockett announced to his fellow Congressmen that he was resigning to try his luck out West, he said: “You may go to Hell. I will go to Texas.” Now THAT’S an American Hero.

If I were an old Yiddish man from Brooklyn, I’d be saying, “Oy, I know from Christmas songs.” (Or, then again, maybe I wouldn’t.) But in any case, I do know my Christmas songs. I have amassed what I believe to be one of the world’s greatest Christmas song collections. I’m calling my collection great not only in its size, but in its diversity. My point is, I’m qualified to make this list: The Greatest Christmas Songs You May Never Have Heard. In fact, I could make several lists and sublists just of Christmas songs, but this list focusses specifically on undiscovered gems. No tired retreads of “Frosty the Snowman” or that most obnoxious tune of all “Winter Wonderland”. With a few rare exceptions, these ten songs are Christmas songs you may never have heard. Or you’ve never heard them quite this way. But they’re songs you must get in your holiday collection if you are going to counteract yet another screeching Celine Dion rendition of “Oh, Holy Night.”<

Note these undiscovered and underplayed gems are listed in no particular order:

1. “Silver Bells”, Elvis Presley

I know I promised no retreads, but this song is more than just a cover of a fairly familiar holiday song. With appologies to Johnny Mathis, who made it a hit, I think Elvis has the definitive version. If you listen to the lyrics, this song always sounds as if it’s sung from the point of view of a wide-eyed rube. An unsophisticated country boy who is experiencing a city Christmas for the first time. Well, no one is more the epitome of the white trash country boy making the big time than Elvis. I imagine him singing this on his first day up from Tupelo. He sees the bright lights of Memphis. And the rest is history.

2. “What Will Santa Claus Say (When He Finds Everybody Swingin’)”, Louis Prima

Staying in the South, how about a great swingin’ holiday song from that New Orleans bandmaster Louis Prima? Can’t have enough of Louis Prima and the background chorus of Sam Butera and the Witnesses adds that extra dash of peppermint.

3. “Christmas Time in Harlem”, Louis Armstrong

Everything you would expect from a Louis Armstrong song including great lines like, “Cats are sleepin’ warm as toast” and “We’ll be all lit up like a Christmas tree” and “Hydee, Hydee, Hydee Ho. It’s Christmas time in Harlem.” Plus some great Satchmo trumpet solos.

4. “We Are the Shepherds”, Johnny Cash

Here’s a real change of pace and not an upbeat one. Because, well. . .it’s Johnny Cash, so you’re just relieved that no one’s shooting anyone in Reno. Actually this is noteworthy because Johnny pens a Christmas carol to the old cowboy tune, “The Streets of Laredo”, that gentle ditty about a cowboy lying in the streets ’cause “he’s shot in the breast and [he's] dyin’ today.” Only Johnny could see the Christmas spirit in that.

5. “Welcome Christmas”, The Whos

Yes, those Whos. The ones whose Christmas the Grinch couldn’t steal. If you are like me and get choked up annually when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes in one day you’ll love a song that includes lyrics like “Fa-whoo For-ay, Da-whoo Dor-ay. Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Welcome Whos from far and near.” Even though the cartoon airs every year, this song never gets enough airplay.

6. “A Party for Santa Claus”, Lord Nelson

As long as we’re trying to bring things upbeat, I love this Carribean novelty song that calls for us to turn the tables and buy Santa Claus presents. Things like a “big car with a chauffeur”, “a new continental suit” and even “take him out to a night club with some fine chicks.”

7. “Mary’s Boy Child”, Harry Belafonte

This song is about the closest thing on this list to a real Christmas carol. But who can resist Harry Belafonte, especially singing in a gentle Island patois with lines such as “They find no place to born she child” and “Them see a bright new shining star.” Enough to make you reimagine the Nativity Scene on a Bahamian beach.

8. “The Christmas Blues”, Dean Martin

Call me a heretic, but, out of the Rat Pack, I’ve always preferred Dean to Frank. Here he does Frank’s schtick one better — I’m talking the sad guy at the end of the bar at 2AM closing with nowhere to go. This is definitely a Christmas song to sing after not getting the presents you wanted and a few too many lonely Martinis.

9. “Mele Kalikimaka”, Bette Midler

Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters did an insufferable version of this that is played to death. Check out Bette’s hipper version complete with slack key guitar. Bette really did grow up in Hawaii. And what could be more fun to contemplate than Christmas on Oahu with the Divine Miss M?

10. “Christmas Time’s a-Comin’” Emmylou Harris

With very few exceptions, country artists put out the absolute worst Christmas recordings — and I’m someone who likes country music. But this upbeat number with dulcimer, guitar, banjo and Emmylou’s beautiful soprano is a wonderful exception.

There you have it. A list guaranteed to put you in the mood — or counteract the 500th version of “Frosty the Snowman” you just heard at the mall.

Merry Christmas and remember, Christmas music doesn’t have to be something you bear with gritted teeth. Just ask me for a playlist. I can put together anything: European Christmas, Punk Christmas, Country Christmas, Novelty Christmas, Spiritual Christmas, Jazz Christmas. . .

Now you have no excuse to be Grinch-like.

P.S. Did I miss any undiscovered gems? Let me know.