Ever since his victory speech when Obama announced he was getting a puppy for the White House, I knew I had the solution for him: A Smooth Fox Terrier. No, not for Sasha and Malia. Smooth Fox Terriers are too rambunctious for younger children. Get the kids something cute, kid-friendly and hypo-allergenic (one of the Obama girls has allergies). Voters at the American Kennel Club chose the poodle, followed closely by the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier — both not dogs I would suggest.
I say, go for a more original choice. After looking at pictures of one of my Flickr Buddy’s two Havanese, I’d vote for that breed as the kids’ dog. They’re impossibly cute, they’re cuddly and, I hear, they are intensely loyal and playful. Besides, a Havanese (a dog originally bred in Old Havana) would send a message about normalizing relations with Cuba. See these decisions are never JUST about the surface decision. There are layers.
That’s why the dog for the President — and the President MUST have a dog — has got to be the Smooth Fox Terrier. It’s not just that your choice of dog says so much about you. You want to make sure it doesn’t say the WRONG things. Look at the dog Clinton finally got. A Chocolate Lab. Arguably the “Bubba” of dogs. And this dog was a real Bubba: a floppy, slightly overweight, out of control, inveterate crotch sniffer. Not a good choice there, Billy Boy.
Even if you don’t like Obama, you have to admit that he’s insanely smart. And the terriers are the intellects of the dog world. Yeah, yeah, I know you are going to argue that border collies are really smart. I would suggest instead that they are slavishly obedient. Nope. A terrier is so smart, he makes his own decisions, based on his own interpretation of the facts. And if his interpretation is that a cookie isn’t worth rolling over for or giving up that expensive shoe he’s chewing, well that’s HIS decision. YOU deal with it. These dogs are Mavericks. Oops. Wrong analogy. (Not surprisingly McCain DOES have a terrier. Just barely. It’s a Yorkshire Terrier which is more a “Ladies Who Lunch” dog than it is a proper terrier.)
Yes, Obama, as a brilliant Harvard Graduate, must have a dog who matches his intellect. Check: Smooth Fox Terrier. And a guy who seems as confident and secure as Obama would not want a “yes dog” who would blindly follow along with any decision he makes. Check: Smooth Fox Terrier.
More importantly, a Smooth Fox Terrier would give him the edge every American President needs. But not such an obvious edge that it broadcasts his intent. (Wasn’t that something McCain and Palin were always screaming should be how to deal with unfriendly nations?) A SFT gives you that covert edge. You don’t look like some sort of Neo-Nazi asshole that you might seem walking around with a Pit Bull or a Rottweiler. Pitties and Rotties often say more about your insecurities than they do about your toughness. Smooth Fox Terriers THINK they are Rottweilers, but they come in 20 pound packages of waggly tailed cuteness. In other words, all the tooth, but none of the bad publicity.
Now imagine the scenario: Putin is at the White House for a summit. Things are getting tense. In an apparent bid to lighten the mood, Obama brings in his Smooth Fox Terrier, Spike. Putin smiles as Spike bounds in holding a chew toy. Without winking an eyelash, Spike picks up his master’s mood and senses that Putin is no friend. CHOMP. Spike puts the famous Smoothie bite on Putin’s outstretched hand. [Note: you know how they say alligators have such powerful jaws that once they clamp down, they can’t be pried open. Well, they call Smoothies “furry alligators. ‘Nuff said.] Now, Obama’s got some leverage. “Want your hand back? Back off of Georgia. And get your missiles the hell away from Poland.” Best part, the wily old Party operative never saw it coming. Didn’t Teddy Roosevelt once say, “Walk softly and carry a small terrier”?
You think it’s any coincidence that the current President’s Scottish Terrier, Barney, just bit a member of the Press Corps? You think W. didn’t discuss this nightly with Barney? You think Barney isn’t dining on filet mignon for a week after this incident? Behold the power of terriers to mount a surprise attack on a President’s enemies.
Yes, Obama must definitely have his own dog. The title of “First Pet”? Let that be for the kids’ Havanese.
The Smooth Fox Terrier? He needs a Cabinet Position.
P.S. — Mr. Obama: Lucy, Oscar and I would be glad to come to the White House and give you training tips. Oh, not training for the dogs. The dogs would train YOU. It’s a Smooth Fox Terrier World and you’d just be living in it.