Aw, yes. Resolutions. I have to make them this year and, of course, the old “lose weight and get in shape” one is topping the list. We all know it’s much easier to accomplish when you have a partner. But it doesn’t work very well in a house with an Englishman.
Me: We need to get in shape this year.
Andy: Great, I’m right there with you.
Me: We have to give up all this rich food. And cut way back on the wine. I think we should go vegetarian. At least a few times a week.
Andy: Okay, we’ll go vegetarian. Except for sausages. And foie gras. And those good aged steaks we get at Sonoma Market. We’ll only have wine when we have those meals.
Me: And how many times will we have meals with sausage and steak and all that?
Andy: Only on weekdays.
Me: What about weekends?
Andy: You can’t diet on weekends.
If that weren’t enough of a challenge, remember that Englishmen only recognize a very few vegetables: carrots, peas and potatoes. All of which are starchy. None of which will help you lose weight.
We won’t even talk about exercise. Andy is a firm believer in the Executive Workout: ten minutes on the stairmaster reading the Wall Street Journal, then into the steam room and out for a massage.
So if I’m going to do this, I need another supportive partner. That leaves Lucy.
Poor Lucy. Some cruel people would say she’s looking porky. I really mean porky. Ever seen a Poland China hog? Same markings.
Kinder critics would call her the Marilyn Monroe of Smooth Fox Terriers. She has a figure from another era. The kind of figure that used to make men in the 1940s sing the old Lucky Strike Cigarette song: “So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed.” Yes, kinder critics would say she’s a va-va-va-voom terrier bombshell.
However, I did find a frightening story about two clinically obese Smooth Fox Terriers in New Zealand and Lucy’s looking more like one of them than she is like her skinny-marink younger brother, Oscar. So Lucy and I are making this resolution together. Tomorrow I’m off to get diet dog food for her and diet food for me. (It’s going to help for the kick-off that Mr. Sausage Man is in England for a week.)
So, based on ideal weight charts for Lucy’s breed, she needs to lose about 5 lbs. I need to lose…well, a little bit more.
This whole thing would work better for me if Lucy could just put my correctly portioned diet meal in a bowl for me and deny me access to any other food. But then that methodology hasn’t really worked for Lucy so far. I give her less food, she wolfs it down, then beats up little Oscar and takes his.
Let’s hope I don’t start doing that to Andy. As I’ll be eating celariac and salad while he’s eating steak and roast potatoes.
It’s going to be interesting around here in the next few months.