I’m not quite sure why I got a Facebook account. I hardly use it. I update it with Twitter when I make a new post and there are several far-flung friends (or even friends just flung 30 miles down the road) who are conveniently kept in touch with by Facebook. I’m checking it a little more now that a few gals from my college are on it and are posting up interesting links. But I’m not bothered too much about corralling a whole host of Facebook friends.
But recently Facebook has reached out and touched me in a way that I’m hearing is happening to a lot of people I know. How many of you are having people from your past — maybe people that you meant to leave in your past — suddenly knocking back on the virtual door of your life? Has this been a positive thing? For me, the jury is still out.
The other day, someone I would never have expected to look me up found me. Actually, not just through Facebook, but on the phone, so I didn’t have that time to think “Friend or Don’t Friend”. (Although full disclosure: I’m always too chicken to hurt someone’s feelings by not responding to a Facebook Friend request.)
Me (left) with a kid I fondly remember as being just like the best friend guy in all the John Hughes films. Someone said he's a retired Army Colonel now.
I remembered this kid as having a real under-current of anger. A little bit scary. Not exactly the school bully, but not that far removed. Based on our interactions, I’d hardly expect him to harbor fond memories of me. But on the phone, he was actually upbeat and engaging, so maybe he’s mellowed or he had another side to him that I missed all those years ago. However, he reeled off a load of other people he’s contacted or is looking up and he was sure I’d want to get back in touch with. Maybe have a reunion. Hmmm. With one or two exceptions, I don’t remember that list including too many people I had much in common with. Would the intervening years have brought us much closer in temperament, interests, background, etc? Maybe. But I was advanced enough by high school graduation to know how to work an address book and send letters. The fact that I didn’t keep in touch with these people was…uh…kind of deliberate.
Maybe it’s me. I wasn’t a super-popular kid. But I was on a sports team, an editor of the school paper, in the Radio Club and a somewhat sporadic member of Explorer Scouts (which was the co-ed version of Boy Scouts and about the only teen social club available at that time.) In high school (which was in Germany), we were bussed from the base, where we lived, an hour each way into Frankfurt Am Main. As you might imagine, that bus was a roiling cauldron of teen angst, raging hormones, and crazy pranks such as mooning and stealing flats off beer trucks when traffic stopped. I remember that my nose was firmly and deliberately in a book during all these youthful shenanigans. Apparently, my new contact remembers me as a card-carrying member of the gang.
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Photo Geek.
So what was I? I wasn’t quite a nerd, but I wasn’t a Kewl Kid either. What I was was incredibly driven. I had a plan for my life. And it involved getting to an Ivy League college as a first step to what I hoped would be an interesting life. I wanted to be someone who lived unconventionally, died very old and left a fascinating obituary. So a good part of my high school was spent taking an extra large course-load, cramming for SATs and reading, reading, reading as much as possible. I also spent every vacation and as many weekends as I could traveling on Youth Rail Train Passes and soaking up as much opera, ballet and symphony as I could afford. (And thank you German Government for all those subsidized Arts, because it meant I could afford a lot of tickets.)
Of course, I interacted with my share of mean cheerleaders, snobby popular girls and boorish jocks. But they never really bothered me. I’d read enough contemporary American fiction to know that the big wheels in high school usually end up becoming used car salesmen or DMV clerks once their glory days are behind them. Even at 17, I recognized a lot of future DMV clerks and used car salesmen on that school bus. Now when I think of high school, I mostly remember some really inspirational teachers. And even some sweet kids that I still think of fondly but through a hazy mist. But I don’t remember too many kids who shared my goals, dreams, outlook or attitude. Which is usually the basis for a lasting friendship.
When you treasure a picture of you in a peasant dress and Dr. Scholl's with a giant shark, you know the other kid is the best of friends. And he still is.
I do remember at graduation, having one overwhelming thought about high school: “Chapter closed. My real life starts now.”
So whereas before Facebook, high school was a hazy, not completely unpleasant memory, now suddenly, it’s going to be all up in my face. Again, I’m not sure how I feel about that.
It’s not like I’ve jettisoned everything and every one from my youth. A person I count as one of my very best friends I’ve known since we were fourteen. My best friend from Freshman Year at another high school I’ve been in and out of touch with over all these years. We’re currently reconnecting and both glad to do so. There are even people from that long ago German high school I wouldn’t be adverse to chatting with now and then. Besides, now my curiosity is piqued. Did that snobby cheerleader go to work at the DMV? Did the pushy jock become a used car salesman?
Me in the middle doing a 70s version of Voguing.
Then again, who knows? Maybe, just like my recent contact, those kids from my high school have become different people over the years, as I’m sure I have. Maybe I’d even want some of them back in my life. Maybe. Then again, maybe some things are meant to occupy a specific and finite location in time. They have their place and should stay there.
It might be interesting to reconnect with someone you’d been at odds with in high school and then find, like some separated-at-birth twins, you’d grown over the decades into similar people. But it would be beyond weird to try to forge a friendship decades down the road based only on the accident of sharing the same high school. Especially when you never had that much in common in the first place. Unfortunately, Facebook seems built to facilitate that sort of connection.
I think of the words of Heraclitus: “A man can never step into the same river twice. For it is not the same river and he is not the same man.”
With trepidation I contemplate dipping my toe back into high school waters. But it’s a helluva different river.
I mull this over too sometimes. Nobody that I know of who knew me in high school is on Facebook, but there may be some people who don’t remember me from high school who are on Facebook. I don’t remember too many people from back then, and the people I remember most looked me up before Facebook existed.
You couldn’t pay me to relive high school. So much insecurity back then. I made it through okay, did the stuff people do in the states like go to a prom with a date, but most of the fun I had I had through other outlets, not high school.
Sounds like we were kindred spirits. I socialized and played the usual role just enough to be a “normal” high school kid. And I actually have mostly fond memories of high school. But I clearly remember looking at those kids — and you know who they were — who were all about enforcing the social order with themselves on top, and thinking: “Don’t you see that if you aren’t looking to the future, high school is going to be your pinnacle?”
I can relate 🙂 My facebook strategy has always been to conduct regular friend purges – where I will go through my friends list and ask myself “would I really be friends with this person”. It’s a satisfying exercise in much the same way that cleaning your room is. The only problem is that the junk from my room can’t come knocking asking to be friends again. Like you, I am also quite sappy about refusing people if they ask (and ask again, and again, and…) I suppose you clean house where you can.
I’m not on Facebook for a lot of the reasons you mention here. What a fun glimpse into your past….
Curses, did you use the words “mean” and “snobby” in reference to cheerleaders???? The Anti-Defamation League of Cheerleaders may soon be paying a visit to your site 😉
Richard, this note was just handed to me: “R. It’s your old clothes. Can we come back to your closet. Pleeeeeeessssse?”
Good post Lisa, and you make your point very well.
I think you’re saying what we all think but most of us (well me anyway) don’t have the cojones to say. I’ve been “friended” by people on Facebook that barely know me, haven’t seen me in twenty five years, or have never physically met me…it breeds a collector mentality perhaps…look how many friends I have sort of thing.
I just joined Facebook and I am not sure how I feel. I am mostly on it with my blogger friends who I really enjoy. I actually have become quite friendly with them.
On my Personal Facebook I have family and a few friends. I rarely go on this Facebook. I have not friended any high school buddies yet. I’m still in the same town I went to High School in and many of my old High School friends now send their children to the school. I guess I am still in the circle kind of, but not sure I want them in my daily life.
I like my blogger friends better. I seem to have more in common with them! Probably why I read their blogs, I enjoy what they have to say:)
P.S. I didn’t friend you because I just had this funny feeling you weren’t into the whole Facebook thing, funny how I picked that up from just reading your blogs.
Actually, my problem with Facebook is more that I can’t be bothered to show up on it very often. I update it automatically through Twitter, but to let contacts know when I’ve posted. And I’ve friended quite a few blogger friends that I’ve never met in person. I’m kind of okay with that along the lines of “What happens in Cyberspace stays in Cyberspace.” Besides, people who read my blog tend to share my interests and outlooks. Which is the basis for friendship. Not where you took Advanced Calculus.
I’ve purposely not put myself on any high school pages. Who is the same person they were in high school? Who would want to be? If someone from my distant past is now the kind of person who could be my soulmate, great. But based on what I remember, I don’t think that’s likely.
I agree, who would want to relive high school. Not I say the dangerous one. But I do want to know what happened to kids in my neighborhood. The people that have commented on this blog probably had a static neighborhood and do not understand our environment. of constantly changing dynamics or at least not to the degree we experienced. We do not have the luxury of going back “Home”, and seeing what has become of so and so.
Trying to reconnect with people from the block you lived on if you will is another story. Curiosity on how the different members of this makeshift diverse society has turned out has been a real eye opener.. My research has so far found that every one has been successful, but that depends on your definition of success. Is it zeros in your bank account or is it the things you built with your own two hands. Maybe it is the close knit family you have or the life long friendships you have built. I think the important thing is that everyone was very happy to reconnect and proud of their own accomplishments and successes. They are even proud of each other. Almost everyone. If you are willing to share maybe you can find out what is their pinnacle.
I read your blog because who you are and I would like to get to know who you have become.. So far I have enjoyed the ones I have read. I like your writing style, but I don’t necessarily agree with you as I have my own opinions.. Now if your requirements for followers are to have the same outlooks as you, then I better move on as I don’t fall into a particular category.
This is why I joined FB. It seems that many of my old, literally, buddies from England were on FB. It’s a great way to keep in touch. But I do hate all those silly apps that people keep sending me. They must live, and will probably die, on FB apps. Enjoy life and get outside. There is more to life than FB.
PS: Live the long hair in the photos.
Oh by the way the guy sitting in the middle is a retired army Col. The short girl on your left of the voguing photos has passed away.
Charlie, I’ll give you an explanation off-line later. In short, the danger of Facebook, I’ve found, is that people mistake it with real friendship sometimes which, by necessity, has to arise out of shared interests. While I’m sure you were a nice kid back in High School, if you look back, you’ll remember that we weren’t friends, nor was I member of this “gang” you remember me in. Pushing the little Friend button won’t change that past.
While some people’s lives take the same trajectory as yours, others don’t. Everything doesn’t have to be electronically connected. Some things and maybe people are better left as fond memories. High School, with a few exceptions, may be one of those things.
I’ve actually enjoyed FB, but have only been on for about six months. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I don’t accept unknown people. It’s been a good way to keep up with some of the bloggy pals. Most, though, are high school classmates and several who were older or younger and beyond my social circle at the time. Mostly, it’s been very enjoyable, because some of us have a lot of fun with our little interactions. It’s pretty safe and benign.
I am one who was very glad to get out of high school. I was a farm boy in a wanna be bunch of dazzling urbanites. In a decidedly rural community. Football, debate, some track, honors society – I was pretty much an extra large geek. After I got to college, it was a revelation to be judged mostly on my character rather than my lineage in the community and social status beyond my control. There was a lot of trepidation when hitting the friend button at first. Mostly, it’s worked out pretty well.
I’m with you on friending (isn’t it great this is now a verb thanks to FB? My spell check hates it) people who you want to leave in the past. My cousin and I were discussing just that subject a few days before, and we both caved to the same person we just couldn’t stand back in the day. This person has been nothing but nice and polite – maybe she has changed. I, too, am a chicken.
I’ve been holding Twitter at arms’ length. While I’ve got FB on the ol’ Blackberry, it’s still Twitter free. I’m not sure I care for the frequent updates interrupting my day. FB is bad enough in that area.
Good post. It’s not easy to dredge up emotional memories from the past.
Glad to see you stop by the blog, Jeffro.
I’m sensing a theme here and it’s proven true for me. Facebook seems to work best for me when it contains either bloggy friends (it’s very convenient to keep up on each others updates. For me, a much better interface than a feedreader.) Also it’s great for a lot of my good, good friends that I don’t see every day — either because they don’t live nearby or their work schedule. One of my best friends has the most punishing work travel schedule. He could be in California five days out of the month. The rest of the time he could be in Cairo, then Moscow, then Durban, then Sri Lanka. Besides being fun to follow his “If it’s Tuesday, this must be Belgium” travels, at last his good friends can coordinate with his schedule and arrange parties/events for when he’ll be around.
When Facebook gets weird and intrusive is when it facilitates a false sense of intimacy or it creates the illusion that a tangential connection is a real friendship.
As for Twitter, it’s just an updating tool for me (connected to Facebook). I couldn’t bear to read through dozens of 140 character squibs all day long. Hence, there is NO beeping Twitter update on my iPhone. I’ll check it when I check it. Which is infrequently.
Funny, there are some people from high school I would like to connect with and some I wouldn’t want to see again too. But I have been surprised by finding people I didn’t know well and enjoying a few hours of their company. And I have had the opposite experience as well.
You don’t have to explain or justify your feelings. Just be polite and be very vague when it comes to obligating yourself to certain social engagements. And exercise selective memory when it comes to social engagements that you really don’t want to keep. “Oh dear, I am so sorry that the reunion in May slipped my mind. Perhaps next time. The other phone is ringing. Gotta run. Later.” No need to offend. You didn’t break your word because you never accepted an invite. Eventually, all but the most clueless will leave you be.
Remember what you wish from way back then and I hope those memories are fond.
Unfortunately, that only works with those who take the hint. Not with those you term “the most clueless.” When some people persistently track you down — even though you never respond to their messages. Or continue to spin up a big “relationship” when you say things like, “Well, maybe you have me confused with someone else” or “hmmm, I don’t remember us hanging out all that much”, it gets a little creepy. Sometimes only the blunt tactics work.
But judging by the sudden uptick in visits to this page, two weeks after it was posted, someone must have sent out an email shot about it. So I guess High School is going to revisit me whether I’m ready or not!
Well, I have been associated with your high school alumni association for years and I will tell you that you do have a few supporters. But, mostly people are glad to have what most others have had all along…a place to call home. I will say that we have never offered information about anyone without their permission and if your high school nemisis found you, it was through some other means.
But, truly, I am sorry you do not feel the connection with the many other military kids who led such a unique and exciting life. I would, however, recommend you view the movie, “Brats: Our Journey Home,” to see what kind of rare company you are connected with through your past. I hope it might ease your thoughts about contacting people your very presence may have influenced. Good luck on your journey, whichever path you choose.
Apparently, those who are taking offense at this post are not reading through it and really thinking about what I wrote.
I have a great connection with several military kids I grew up with — as well as “townies” from various places where I lived. However, we’ve been in touch for many years — long before Facebook and the Internet made it so easy to track people down. There are a few people I’ve “lost ” and would like to reconnect with. And I’ll probably use Facebook or the Internet to track them down. But I’ll be sensitive to the signals of whether or not they are glad I “found” them.
Over the years, I’ve also been “looked up” by a number of people I very deliberately left behind. Most of them, when faced with my indifference and “well I’m very busy” excuses took the hints and backed off.
But some have been persistent to the point of stalker creepiness. I blame Facebook for a lot of this weirdness as something about Facebook seems to encourage a certain kind of person to believe that pressing the little “friend” button means you really were good buddies. This latest encounter was just such a case and he immediately reeled off a long list of other people I was NOT interested in connecting with and was going to pass along my name (including my home phone number!) Even when I pretty much came out and said, “Please don’t”, the hint was not being taken.