Okay, I promised a gun post. And I know you’ve been locked in anticipation through the 10 day waiting period since I became the first Liberal in the history of Napa’s Last Gun Shop to walk through the door and buy a firearm. Well, I picked that gun up Sunday, but it’s taken me until now to process it all. I’m still not sure that I’m really a gun owner. Or that I have ammo. Or that I’ve even fired the thing. But more on that later.
First, it’s come to my attention that, as a new gun owner, I really need to have a Grumpy Old Man persona. A friend suggested that she imagines me with my new gun acting like Michael Caine and Robert Duvall in the movie Second Hand Lions, sitting on my porch shooting at anyone who comes up in my driveway.
Personally, I can’t see it. Even with the civilizing force of iced tea.
My personal favorite Grumpy Old Man with a Gun would have to be Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.
Seriously, the man put new meaning in the phrase, “Get Off MY LAWN!”
But to be absolutely accurate, I think we’re going to have to go to England to the adult comic book VIZ. There’s a recurring character named Farmer Palmer who is always blowing away small lapdogs, cats and assorted hikers with the universal, but acceptable blanket excuse under British law, “Ee wuz wurryin moy sheep.”
Farmer Palmer’s other line is “Get Orrf Mah Laaand.”
Personally, instead of a Grumpy Old Man, I’d rather be an Annie Oakley type shooter.
Sitting Bull nicknamed her Little Miss Sure-Shot.
Of course, to be a Little Miss Sure-Shot, I’d have to be able to hit something. And, judging from my first attempts, I can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
I certainly couldn’t hit this upturned plastic planter. Even within ten feet of it.
Andy and our friend Rob had no trouble hitting things when they took my shotgun out for a spin.
In particular, they shot up my cactus garden. Yes, that cactus garden I’ve been carefully nurturing for over a year now.
Here’s the thing about this gun. I’m getting excellent advice on being a responsible owner — especially from Jeffro over at The Poor Farm. His Four Rules are a must-read for anyone even contemplating gun ownership. And in answer to those of my readers who have professed concern that I am now armed, yes, I’ve signed up for a gun safety course. It’s run by a guy out of Napa’s excellent Last Gun Shop. It’s an eight hour intensive course. My future instructor, Jack, is a Marine combat veteran of Viet Nam and former Deputy Sheriff. He has a Wyatt Earp mustache. I think I’m covered.
But I’m still having trouble with this whole gun thing. First of all, a shotgun is a lot louder than you think it will be. I walked around with ringing ears for an hour after only three shots. And secondly, it’s hard on wooden floors.
Be forewarned that if you lock your dogs in a nearby building, there will be a puddle of terrier wee to correspond to every shot you take.
I actually have another weapon. And I’m wishing I could use that instead.
How frightening could I be to burglars, coyotes and Mountain Lions if I mastered the Sioux War Lance?
Hrmm. Seems I forgot to mention hearing protection when you’re exercising your new purchase. Earmuffs designed for just this situation are available for quite reasonable prices – some like to double up with muffs and foam ear inserts. The best are electronic earmuffs, such as Peltor – they block out the sudden blast while allowing you to actually hear things around you. Hearing protections is advisable even when shooting the “lowly” .22 – it’s not as loud, but the sharpness of the report can damage the inner ear over time. It’s all good, though – you’ll be aware of how noisy the thing really is and won’t be quite as startled when setting it off.
Wyatt Earp mustache on your instructor? You know you’re covered!
And Clint’s gun? That’s the legendary M1 Garand – our main battle rifle in WWII and Korea. General George Patton was famously quoted The greatest battle implement ever devised in reference to the Garand. Dripping with history, I tell ya.
Make that singular on the “protections.” Hrmmph. That’s what I get for posting before coffee.
I do have to say we all learned to shoot as young kids & my dad always kept a gun & ammo in the house (they were for hunting though). I just worry about you getting a robber with a gun of his own
Second Hand Lions is one of my favorite movies of all time. All guns look good with Clint. Not sure how to train the terriers to withstand the noise, but however loud it is for you –googleplex it for the little darlings. Are there doggie earmuffs?
I think you need to pose for a sex-ay photo shoot with your new gun.
Shame on those men for shooting up your cactus garden!!!!
Still laughing. Reminds me of the first time my Dad gave me his shotgun and I couldn’t hit the pair of his pants he had placed on the side of the hill. Now with a pistol, I’m good! Turned out I needed glasses. Those cacti may get their revenge. I’d be having nightmares of rampaging cacti, if I were those men. On the wee terrier issue, tell them city dogs to terrier up!
Ear protection Ear protection & once more, Ear protection.
I do a lot of shotgun shooting in winter up on the marsh land around Eugene Oregon. Apart from the electronic ‘ear muff’ types keeping my ears warm, they are also letting me retain the last bit of hearing I have left after 30 odd years of pheasant, rabbit & pigeon shooting in England without using ear protection.
So, unless you want a rather quiet old age with everyone around you mumbling instead of speaking, (well it sounds like they are), get some decent ear protection.
lisa, This blog was so much fun! I especially liked’ little miss sure shot’..I resonate. Do you know it would take me a month to put together this one blog? My friend you have a wonderful talent! I got my gun licence 10 years ago and I am inspired to renew, Im’ feeling a new attitude I am. With miss sure shot by my side I feel empowered! Ha, I could never, never, never, never image me pro gun…but ‘times are a changing’. Good thing I maintain an even keel. until later, susan