I think I told you that I’m still working to acquire some Cowboy Cred. Until then, I’m a perpetual student of all things cowboy. One thing I’ve learned in these early days, is that Cowboy Lessons can come from unlikely sources. The following Cowboy Rules came from a Brit, one of Andy’s old school friends, who doesn’t live in Cowboy Country, but rather in Oregon. And he doesn’t punch cattle. He wrestles salmon. But Sea Fishin’ Tony managed to give me my second lesson in The Cowboy Way:
Sixteen Cowboy Rules
Cowboy rules for Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho, Nebraska and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
- Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
- Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
- Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
- They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 and I-40 go east and west, I-17 and I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.
- So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
- Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. (Got it. See my post on The Cowboy Wave.)
- If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
- Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
- The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
- We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
- No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
- When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah … We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat … IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
- You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
- College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
- Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
- Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
And you tip your hat to the Ladies, Son!
My only beef with these Cowboy Rules, they don’t mention California by name. After all, Theodore Roosevelt once said, “When I am in California, I feel I’m in The West of The West.” Which makes us The Uber-West. Best not leave us out next time, Pardner!
#5. Amen.
🙂
Come to think about it Lisa, it does not mention Oregon either but, according to the native Oregonians it still is the wild west here on the ‘Wild River’s Coast’ of Southern Oregon. No one messes to much with us as we pretty near all carry gun’s. A lot of us still drive pick up’s because we spend a lot of time up in the wilderness area’s which means 4 wheel drive is not an ‘extra’ it’s a necessity a ‘come along’ is not an invitation, it’s a really handy tool to get your truck unstuck. A .22 is pretty but a .45 is not an accessory it’s real helpful when dealing with 4 or 2 legged ornery critter’s. I could go on but I would not like to make to much of a dent in our local tourist trade as they are kinda what keeps the businesses in town from going under.
I beg to differ on oregon-the west side of oregon is loggin , fishin and drinkin..The east side is high dessert and i don’t mean california high..There is a long history of ranchin here..we hunt fish and drink and ride …a most dangerous proposistion when all four are done together!
And now I know that Oregon is also part of The Wild West!
Well, for parts of Oklahoma and Texas, “coke” can also be other colors. There’s “Orange Coke,” “Lemon-lime Coke,” and sometimes even “Root Beer Coke.” 🙂
Southerners just ask, “What kind of Coke do you want?” Covers all the carbonated soft drinks.
Cincinnati was the Queen City of the West once upon a time. The Greek chili is an acquired taste. People argue over which one is best.
In my experience the smell of sweet country air is some kind of manure or another. Never quite understood that one.
Pretty good list.
Real cowboys don’t eat regular seafood, either.
These rules apply well to Midwestern farmers, too. Every one!
Funny I’m pretty sure I read that same set of rules recently as rules to be a Minnesotan
Well I’m from Oregon and in OR right now and the rule I learned from a friend who was a Pendleton Roundup princess is “Real cowboys wear Wranglers not Levi’s (and boy their asses look good in them!)”. I also have relatives that were scalped by Indians. Do I get some good cowboy cred for that?!
I’ve definitely heard that Lee’s or Wrangler are the real cowboy britches. (Apparently the rivets in Levi’s are a problem in the saddle.) Besides Levi’s were famously made specifically for the Gold Rush miners and their specific needs — stiffer fabric to stand up to 8 months in the wilds (probably without washing) and rivets to keep the seams together when even that fabric frayed.
These are all great entries to the ever growing Cowboy Rules list. Sadly, California has a reputation they may keep it off of this list for all eternity. I can only hope the rest of my fellow Californians begin to see things my way (I’m certainly not alone here in Central California) and this list could be altered to include California.
After spending a couple of days in LA, I’m so glad to be home where even strangers are friendly towards you and don’t look at you funny when you extend a courtesy.
I must end any debate that may be forming here. Truly. Wranglers are the butt cover of choice for real cowboys. Remember: Wrangler butts drive me nuts. Perhaps this rule should be added to the list.
#4 is true. I picked up a phrase from my husband’s grandfather (an Idaho farmer) — whenever passing any kind of cattle ranch, the appropriate response to the odor is “Smells like money!”
Maybelline, for better or worse, the big cities in a place are always quite different from the countryside. LA is different from most of California, most Frenchmen are not like Parisians, and, while racism raged in the rural South, certain cities there were models of gentility and civility.
But I stand with Teddy Roosevelt: “California is The West of the West.” Which makes us definitely The West.
Those cowboy rules are sorely lacking in flexibility — no vegetarian options – pffft… I especially liked #5 — I know a BMW driver who could benefit from hearing this..
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Darn straight. You come into the West, leave your yuppieness, your anti gun attitudes, and your rap music back where you came from.