I think I told you that I’m still working to acquire some Cowboy Cred. Until then, I’m a perpetual student of all things cowboy. One thing I’ve learned in these early days, is that Cowboy Lessons can come from unlikely sources. The following Cowboy Rules came from a Brit, one of Andy’s old school friends, who doesn’t live in Cowboy Country, but rather in Oregon. And he doesn’t punch cattle. He wrestles salmon. But Sea Fishin’ Tony managed to give me my second lesson in The Cowboy Way:

Sixteen Cowboy Rules

Cowboy rules for Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho, Nebraska and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

  1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
  3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
  4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 and I-40 go east and west, I-17 and I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.
  5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
  6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. (Got it. See my post on The Cowboy Wave.)
  7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
  8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
  9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
  11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
  12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah … We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat … IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
  13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
  14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
  15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
  16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

And you tip your hat to the Ladies, Son!

My only beef with these Cowboy Rules, they don’t mention California by name. After all, Theodore Roosevelt once said, “When I am in California, I feel I’m in The West of The West.” Which makes us The Uber-West. Best not leave us out next time, Pardner!