Okay, something or someone is clearly conspiring against my farming success. It’s bad enough that we’re having what seems like the coldest summer in 25 years. Well, that could go either way. On the upside, the longer, slower ripening might allow us to make a mellower, lower alcohol wine — more like the French Rhônes we’re trying to emulate than a typical California fruit bomb. But in the matter of produce, things are decidedly more dicey. If I had watched more episodes of The X Files when it was in first-run, I might be tempted to believe that aliens are beaming down at night and switching out all my plantings. Or if I listened to John the Baptist, I’d just chalk it up to more world domination practiced by Monsanto (John blames everything on Monsanto.) Whoever you want to blame, something fishy is definitely happening in Farmville.
First of all, there are the tomatoes. I made, what I now realize is was the tactical error of bypassing my usual tried-and-true seed and start source to go for the easy bargain. In this case, it was billed as TomatoMania and was basically a truck sale of tomato plants that unloaded over at the CornerStone Gardens. I now realize these transient tomato peddlers were actually tomato grifters. Talk about a bait-and-switch! According to the tags, I picked out all organic, heirloom plants that would yield big, juicy beefsteak-like tomatoes. What I’m getting is a completely different story.

I got Jack’s Magic Beanstalk Tomatoes. They’re almost as tall as the barn. But they flower briefly, the flowers die, then no tomatoes.
Okay, so much for the “alleged” Beefsteaks. I also bought what were billed as Russian Crim and Crimea Blacks. In the past, these have been tasty dark skinned medium sized tomatoes. Not these imposters:
But the ultimate bait-and-switch came with the watermelon seeds I planted. I may still be mostly a City Kid, but I know what a watermelon looks like. Even without reading the seed packet, I could look at the picture and tell the packet was selling me watermelons. Specifically “Ice Box Watermelons” of the green, pink and yellow fleshed variety.
The oddest thing: I bought watermelon seeds from a completely different source and planted them at my other raised beds at Flying Terrier Farms.

However, this seed packet managed to include at least two watermelon seeds, as I am getting some among the pumpkins.
So all and all, a disappointing harvest this season. Well, I’ll give those tomatoes a few more weeks to improve their flavor. And pumpkins? What am I going to do with all these pumpkins? I live with an Englishman and the English are notoriously intolerant of orange vegetables. In fact, a good [English] friend of ours, who routinely suffers through what she calls “Thanksgiving’s obligatory orange vegetable”, absolutely rebelled when served a pumpkin pie, declaring, to the applause of the other English present, “pumpkin is a silly vegetable.” I guess I’ll be carving a lot of Jack O’Lanterns.
As to the rest of my vegetable misfires. It’s either the aliens. Or Monsanto. Or maybe Monsanto in league with aliens.
You, and Hub and Garth McCann! At least you’re getting some variety!
So, Jeffro, you’re saying my next step is to sit on my back porch shooting bass with my shotgun? How will that help my tomatoes?
How interesting that your colder temperatures produce a lower alcohol wine. Can I assume from this that global warming can be blamed for the creeping alcohol content in the wines I’ve been purchasing? Seems like 11% used to be the norm, now it’s usually 12.5% or 13%. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. But I had assumed it was the commercial wine producers plotting to turn us all into sloppy drunks. Maybe I should be blaming climate change instead?
Heh! Shooting at bass (or irritatingly persistent traveling salesmen), flying a biplane, or even keeping a used lion around would be tough to justify in order to increase tomato production!
How bizarre! We bought our seeds at the local garden center & all of them are exactly what they were supposed to be. Though I do think we bought smaller organic brands
You can make Bacon and Pumpkin pasta! For some reason it’s my #1 viewed pic of all time on Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wolfworld/286161139/
and, it’s a recipe from the Brits!! (BBC)
Carson, your “creeping alcohol content” may be a result of you switching from French to US or Australian brands. The latter always are and always have been higher in alcohol. The riper the berries, the higher the sugar, the higher the sugar, the more that gets converted to alcohol. Especially with late ripening varietals like Cabernet, it’s especially notable. While Sonoma/Napa has soil and climate remarkably similar to the great Bordeaux and Rhone winemaking areas, the French areas get approximately 250 sunshine days, we get more than 300. That makes the difference. In addition, the US style is to create very fruity wines from very ripe berries. Ironically, tastes have changed and now the French are trying to emulate that model for the World market. We’re going to be experimenting with picking our grapes at a lesser stage of ripeness and see if we can lower the alcohol content.
Leigh! I’ll make it. Brits will always eat something with bacon in it.
Matt wants to know what color the seeds were since pumpkin seeds & watermelon seeds look completely different.
I didn’t see because I made the 13 year olds plant them. But they definitely came out of a watermelon packet. I never have and never will INTENTIONALLY plant pumpkins.
I love Carson’s theory that global warming equals higher alcohol content.
Did you say the 13 year olds had something to do with the planting? Those scalawags. I believe you have your answer.
No we can’t blame the 13 year olds. I handed them the unsealed seed packets and watched them open them and plant them. Then I planted the alleged watermelons in the beds by the barn, and those came up pumpkins as well. And they were seeds from a different source! Aliens!
Pumpkins: donations to the local community center? sale at the farmers’ market? the kids next door at the San Francisco pied à terre? Oh and for sure the teens should get first pick, n’est-ce pas? I bet they’ll be thrilled.
I blame Eyjafjallajökull for this cold Northern Cal and the roasting eastern summer.
I’m actually getting flooded with really delicious sounding pumpkin recipes like pumpkin risotto, pumpkin gnocchi and pumpkin with bacon and pasta. I may be rethinking my aversion to pumpkin.
I usually go with a cherry tomatoes as the climate in bend is typically unpredictable-and first frost can claim the tomatoes before they ripen..and the golds are ripe now and sweet the reds are still green..Lets face it..it is a bad year for produce.. aliens or not..gardening is supposed to be relaxing, so get youirself a can of red spray paint and fake it-go to a produce stand…buy watermellons and put them under the vines…be good to youself!
Slow year for tomatoes in my Carmichael garden as well… and what DOES get almost ripe gets eaten by rodents. Harumpf. I’ve been picking early and letting them ripen on the counter. Its not my favorite way, vine ripened is, but at least I’m getting some.