Just watched the movie about the founding of Facebook, The Social Network. It’s easily the smartest, best written, most thought-provoking movie of the year. Written by Aaron Sorkin, the script is a torrent of words that many of the actors deliver at rapid fire speed. It’s a movie you could see a dozen times and still not pick up all the zingers. In an amazing performance, Jesse Eisenberg, plays founder Mark Zuckerberg as a brilliant but socially stunted Harvard student, who, in most of his interactions, is completely tone-deaf to the nuances of social interaction. He comes across as a classic Asperger’s Syndrome case with a touch of Tourette’s. If he were a Shakespearean character, his tragic flaw would be that he has just enough understanding of human interaction to realize he doesn’t fit in, but not enough social skill to figure out why. In reaction, he keeps wielding his brilliance like a bludgeon, but is only dimly aware that, even though he CAN do something, he shouldn’t — like blogging vitriol about a girl who stormed out when he insulted her. Or screwing over the only friend he ever had. It won’t be giving away anything to say he ends up having “shown everyone”. But is now utterly alone.
The movie took on even more depth to me as I was involved in an ugly Facebook exchange that same day. The juxtaposition made me wonder if Mark Zuckerberg’s greatest accomplishment is that he’s created something we’ve all been sucked into that is rendering all of us more like him. We suddenly find ourselves interacting in a space where we can’t pick up the signals — facial expression, tone of voice, pacing of delivery — that usually give us the subtext of what people are feeling and thinking regardless of what they are saying. Sure, this is a fault of the Internet, not just Facebook. But it becomes especially pronounced in a setting that is aimed at mimicking the kind of interaction we used to engage in not that many years ago.
I’m not naive about the Internet. I know how it fosters rudeness, the digital equivalent of screaming, and a weirdly unconstricted form of interaction. No one can see you, they may not even know your real name, so many people take that lack of boundaries as an excuse to throw all social conventions out the window. Yes, I know that. That’s why my Internet interaction experience is pretty regulated. I only do Facebook. I only friend people, with very few exceptions, that I actually know in real life. I’ll pick you up if you are someone a real friend has recommended — not with that automatic Facebook recommendation thing, but with a real email or suggestion that we friend. I’ll friend you if I see you frequently in my friend’s threads and I’m amused, interested or awed at your wit and intelligence. I don’t friend you just because I once knew someone you knew in high school. I don’t friend you because we bumped into each other a few times at the dry cleaners. And I’m not obsessed with building up an impressive number of Facebook friends.
So far this has worked extremely well. I fire up Facebook and I see information about people I really care about. I post something and the reactions are the same as if I spouted it at a party. Some people agree, some people disagree and some people say my terriers know more than I do. But they say it with love.
I have one college friend, an incredibly articulate former journalist, who has a knack for gathering interesting people and sparking thought-provoking “conversations” on Facebook. Her thread always has some sort of lively debate with articulate adults who read widely and debate with facts and passion, not insults and the latest talking points from their favorite pundit.
One such debate started with voter apathy then moved on to the subject of whether Obama was right to spend so much of his political capital on health care reform. The thread was moving along as you might imagine, until two people got heated and crossed that line into name-calling. A few of us tried to lighten the tone with some humor. My contribution was:
I should note that the “Okay, have a nice day” is how Clarence Thomas’s wife ended her late night call to Anita Hill demanding that she apologize. Those of us who frequent this person’s thread use it often as a sort of jokey code. It means, “Awkward situation, but I’ll try to smooth it over.”
Well, it didn’t work in this case. The main mudslinger just upped her arsenal and started accusing people on the thread — and mostly me — of being narrow-minded, shouting her down, and attempting to trash her “like NPR did to Juan Williams.” Okay, a bit of an extreme reaction in my book, but I’ve learned that a quick apology — whether or not you think the subject really deserves one — is a good way to defuse a situation.
But that wasn’t enough, after a few more diatribes about “closed-minded Liberals”, the woman followed me to my In Box, through Facebook messaging, and proceeded to accuse me of practically stripping her of her Constitutional right to free speech. And saying that my call for civility was “being presumptuous enough to force [her] to change who she was to suit [me]”.
The Little Devil on my left shoulder prodded me to fire back that demanding that she turn Liberal was “forcing her to change”, asking her to do the Internet equivalent of removing her muddy shoes before tramping into the living room was just a call for good manners.
The Little Angel on my right shoulder won out: “Just apologize for everything, soothe ruffled feathers, diffuse the anger by making the rager feel validated in their opinion.” I suppose apologizing as a tactic when you don’t really feel you owe one is doing the right thing for the wrong reason. But it so often works. It didn’t in this case. I assured her that we were all interested in her take on the issue and that she had some very well thought-out points to make, but I was afraid she was losing some people with the insults. I begged her to rejoin the discussion and share her perspective.
It was not to be. After a few more emailed insults she flounced out of my In Box with the parting zinger that she was going to “de-friend” the owner of the thread (who had done nothing). Okay, maybe “de-friending” happens every day. I don’t happen to know how to do it. And I’m still new enough to this that it sounds as dire as throwing gasoline on someone’s porch and lighting a match. Well, Hyperbole Alert. Maybe it’s more like tee-peeing the front lawn. In any case, not a good thing no matter how you look at it.
But my point wasn’t who was right or wrong in the argument. What’s shocking is that this woman was not some old Fox Network Screamer. She is a woman, judging from her profile, who is very accomplished and educated with a Masters in Public Policy from a prestigious university and participation in a number of honors societies and well-thought-of political and networking groups. Would she have ever reacted this way to me had we been having this discussion face to face? I tend not to think so. But Facebook had turned her into Mark Zuckerberg — flashing her brilliance yet unable to understand why the way she was doing it wasn’t winning friends and influencing people.
I’m not sure what the conclusion is. Be nice? Be careful out there? Friends don’t let friends do Facebook?
All I can say is the two parties you have to bring together are the Little Devil on your left shoulder and the Little Angel on your right.
Do the right thing, apologize, smooth ruffled feathers, be bigger than the other person. Then sit back smugly knowing that, in the best outcome — provided your opponent isn’t too advanced in Zuckerberg Syndrome — you probably made the other person feel just that tiny inkling of embarrassment for their actions.
See there are many ways you can embrace your Inner Zuckerberg.
For some, the anonymity of the internet allows them to strip away the annoying manners and social conventions they apparently endure unwillingly in direct social settings. Even Facebook, where the participants aren’t so anonymous, this seems to occur.
Just because someone is accomplished doesn’t mean they aren’t jerks.
Plus, it is of course more difficult to gauge someone’s emotional reactions without the facial and body cues we normally use in a face to face setting. I was in a puzzling confrontation the other day in an argument over – of all things – NASCAR. Apparently, the protagonist has become enamored with the religion that claims all the races are secretly fixed. Never mind the breathtaking lack of logic to reach that conclusion – I am a fool for even watching the stupid “sport,” and it’s objectionable for me to even comment on my wall about enjoying a race. I thought we were giving each other a hard time for fun. He was serious.
I guess I missed the memo.
I try to approach all such situations this way: “Who died and left me sole ownership of The Truth?”
On that “free speech” thing: I checked the First Amendment, and it says “Congress shall make no law.” Doesn’t say a thing about Zuckerberg.
Thanks Chaz, and I like Jeffro’s observation that if Facebook can make people willing to dump a virtual pot of oil over someone’s head over an off-hand comment about NASCAR. Well, what hath Zuckerberg wrought? But then again, NASCAR…
I know some good people who will maintain it’s on a higher plane than politics.
I have defriended one person. She was to be my nephew’s bride, but called a halt a few weeks before ceremony and now they are split. Just had no reason to remain in touch. Took a few minutes to find out how to do it, not bad.
I don’t do chat in FB. The whole IM thing is hard for me to accept. Feels like pressure. Openly reject it.
I have one FB friend that I do not personally know. When she asked to friend me I checked into it. Turns out my cousin’s Brit husband is her uncle and she is in high school. Tickled her when I said yes. Don’t chime in on her posts often, just now and then.
I have hidden several friends. On there too much, other reasons. Mostly I check for pictures posted by people I know who do not live close by.I hope to go see this movie tomorrow. Love Sorkin’s writing.
Zuckerberg Syndrome! Love it. A new condition for the Facebook generation. I agree with Jeffro’s comment, that some people feel that the anonymity of the Internets gives them license to ignore social niceties and conventions like, oh, politeness, respect, tolerance… I have not unfriended anyone yet, but I do hide posts from such folks. Just don’t have the energy to deal with more conflict in my life.
I find it curious that I’m having a similar problem with my 13-year-old. I don’t know but maybe that speaks to the maturity level. (Okay, I’ll grow up!)
I find it funny, actually hilarious, that this person accused you Lisa, of all people, of being closed minded and stipping Anyone of their constitutional rights. Laughable!! Don’t people know how funny and clever you are? Anyone else see the irony in this?
As to defriending, I had to defriend the soon to have been exhusband of a dear friend. He became aggressive and manipulative to those of us who were’nt taking sides. Rather, taking his side. Never a comfortable thing, but necessary at times.
PS I do know how to spell – I was just distracted by playing X-Box with the kids…it was my turn!
And I hate the little gargoyle/amoeba thingy that your blog has used to represent me.
Perhaps she had stopped taking the medications that kept her inner bitch at bay. Poor thing must be a very unhappy person to be that full of vitriol.
Oh boy – do I ever know about this topic. Sometimes a comment is read in a tone not intended. Sometimes.
By limiting the amount of time an energy I dedicate to a conversation helps.
Christine, get yourself a universal avatar and you won’t be assigned a default “monster” avatar.
Saw the movie today. Loved it. FB was born out of spite, maybe poster intent will always be murky and open to misunderstanding.
Well, there’s a lot to say on this topic that’s already been said. I guess we’re just supposed to try and use our powers for good, not evil.
I took my 14 year old to see the movie the week after it came out. Being a high-functioning synesthete, she identified very much with Zuckerberg, and felt sorry for him, because she knows what it’s like to want to fit in and to have to really work at it to “get” the social clues. Facebook doesn’t help and it’s not the best place to hide, either, for people with those kinds of disorders. Peace out, people.
Thanks Lisa, now I need that 10 year old to help me find out how to get myself a personal avatar!
I think Gravatar has a free service that lets you build and store an Avatar that will be universally accessed by blogs. http://en.gravatar.com/
Sounds like a movie to see. This is the first good review I’ve heard on it.
As for facebook, I try to be a peacemaker (where peacemaking can mean not discussing politics at all) but I’ve had friends who did not know one another argue politics on my profile page. It was weird. Luckily, one of them listens heavily to the angel on his shoulder, and the situation was smoothed over.
If someone has a great number of friends, he or she will probably not notice a de-friending. (I haven’t done it, but I know it can be done.) I prefer to “hide” the posts of people who blab too much.
Haven’t actually seen the film yet, though I grabbed the soundtrack album right off. Then again, it is Trent Reznor.
It is strange how some people change with the anonymity of the internet from fairly sensible conservatives in real life to raving tyrants who threaten all manner of dire consequences if you do not agree with their internet alter ego’s requests.
I have one here in our little coastal town, I occasionaly find myself socializing with & he often helps in our conservation efforts. He is remarkably pleasant to converse with in ‘real life’. However in cyberspace he is a self righteous pain in the lower regions who I have had to ‘de-friend’ on FB & also block from my email box as he does accuse me of all manner of things which he finds offensive & which are mostly figments of his lurid imagination. Which gives me cause to wonder if I have offended him in some unknown way, He too is well educated & the recipient of several masters degrees. Maybe it is an intelligence overload that only responds to cyberspace & not real life, or just a symptom of neurosis? Whatever it is, he does not seem to want to converse about it face to face & denies any type of animosity towards me.
embrace your inner Zuckerberg – love it!! And I really need to see the movie after your stellar review.
Boy, she really showed you by de-friending your friend BWWAAAHHAAAHAAAAAAA
I think politics becomes personal for a lot of people–sports too, hence the NASCAR anger.