It’s finally happened. They’ve broken me. After twenty five years of fighting the good fight, I’m all fought out. Yes, for a quarter of a century, I’ve been trying to preserve the Thanksgiving tradition in the face of British imperialism. It was bad enough when it was just my British husband, but quickly, our Thanksgivings became gatherings for extraneous Brits to the point where I would often be the only American in attendance. Yet through it all, I tried to be strong. I held the line and demanded that turkey and cranberries and orange vegetables be served when English voices — deaf to our traditions — were screaming that Chateaubriand and peas and carrots and Spotted Dick and all manner of non-Pilgrimy things be served instead. You really want to know the line I’ve been holding? Read this and weep. Then tell it to the Spartans.
So, as it does every year, when I started planning up our Thanksgiving, the British barrage started anew.
Andy: Why don’t we have something different for Thanksgiving this year? Julian and I vote for Beef Wellington.
Me: No. Turkey. Only turkey. Turkey is the dish for Thanksgiving.
Andy: Why turkey? The Pilgrims were English. We should have English food. Let’s have Shepherd’s Pie or Beef Wellington or something good.
Me: NO! The Pilgrims were complete crap at farming. The Wampanoags saved their butts. We’re having only foods that Indians would have served: turkey, squash, corn. If you want to go out and get a haunch of venison, fine. Otherwise, turkey.
I'm not exactly saying it's racist, but the Brits definitely have an aversion to Vegetables of Color.
Then the phone campaigns start. Karl Rove has nothing on the British in terms of skillful use of traditional media. Only, in this case, it’s being deployed to trash orange vegetables. Phones are ringing and email is pinging from one end of the Bay Area to another as the British gather their forces.
Andy: Everyone voted. No orange vegetables.
Me: Only Americans have votes on Thanksgiving. We are having squash and we are having pumpkin pie for dessert.
Andy: Julian said squash is the Devil’s vegetable. We all voted. No orange vegetable. Didn’t the British throw orange vegetables into Boston Harbor? I think it’s in the Constitution. No orange vegetables.
In past years, what’s saved me is that one or more of the cooks has been American. We may have been outnumbered, but we were the hands that held the spatulas.
This year, catastrophe struck. My fellow cook, Susi, and her toddler both came down with the flu. So they are spending Thanksgiving in quarantine. That left me at the mercy of the Redcoats. They pressed their advantage.
And I gave up.
A Scottish couple who regularly joins us has already started chipping away at tradition in recent years. Andrew, the husband, has instituted a Scotch tasting for after dinner, which has evolved into a session, not only of Scotch drinking, but Scots talking. I can’t even go into our basement pub after dinner without feeling like I’m an extra in Braveheart. Then Andrew’s wife, Jan, made a sherry trifle. Well, that was the end to pumpkin and pecan pie. While Susi and I would bravely continue to insist on it and serve it, the Brits stopped even pushing it around on their plates. With an alcohol, cream and sugar laced British dessert, the humble pumpkin pie wasn’t even allowed into the dining room. The few outnumbered Americans had to eat clandestine pieces out in the backyard.
With Susi out of the picture this year, I completely gave up. I emailed the usual suspects:
“Jan has agreed to make her famous sherry trifle. I’m not even competing. No pumpkin pie. No pecan pie. That’s dessert. The end.”
Beyond the cheers, the Brits sensed an advantage. A weakness. You give these people an inch and they’ll take several continents. Then call it an Empire.
Soon the campaign was accelerating.
Andy: If we don’t have to have pumpkin pie then we shouldn’t have to have any orange vegetables.
Me: But I grew beautiful acorn squash with my own hands. You even said they were the best orange vegetables you’ve ever tasted.
Andy: I was just being nice. Besides, Julian says squash is the Devil’s Vegetable. Carrots. You can serve carrots. And roast potatoes.
Me: See, you dis orange vegetables. Which the Indians gave to the Pilgrims to save them from starvation. That makes you the same kind of Englishman who sold tuberculosis infected blankets to the tribes. You are wiping out my heritage.
Andy: We hate squash. We won’t have it. Majority rules. It’s in the Constitution. No orange vegetables without representation.
Seriously, did the Pilgrims suffer for THIS? So Brits could subvert all tradition and demand Spotted Dick for Thanksgiving dinner?
So today, we’ll have a turkey. But that’s about all that’s going to be traditional. Along with the Scotch and the French cheese plate and the Rhone wines and the English vegetables and the sherry trifle, it might as well be St. Swithin’s Day.
I guess the few Americans — which would be pretty much just me and Cousin John — will be huddled out in the back yard eating our pumpkin pie and bemoaning the death of our culture.
What is it the Tea Partiers say? I want my country back.
At least you aren’t making a Beef Wellington! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
What the #*^$, you and C.J. better dig in, not throw the squash till you see the whites o their eyes, and tell those rascally Brits General George Washington is crossing the river as we speak!
P.S. back in the day were not the Irish with us.
As for me, I have but one life to give for Thanksgiving traditions! Give me squash and pumpkin pie or death!
Pumpkin pie is not only traditional, delicious. I’ve had it with a bit of bourbon cooked in.
We will be having yellow squash today. I will try again to like sweet potatoes. Scaled back meal today, full feast on Saturday prepared by Jean the wonderful cook.
BTW we kicked the English divils out before we wrote the constitution. Thanksgiving is an American holiday. All the Brits are guests at your table, including your husband. No fighting required. They can eat and be thankful, and then watch football and snooze.
And the Thanksgiving episode of Northern Exposure was always my favorite. The parade with people wearing death masks to hide their shame for having saved the Pilgrims.
Ooooh, Northern Exposure – still one of my most favorite series. Thanks for reminding me… I have to go update my Netflix queue now.
C
Well, here’s one Brit who did the traditional Thanksgiving thing. Mind you, I draw the line at sweet potato’s, that vegtable is no way anything to do with potato’s & even if you make chip’s out of them, I’m still not fooled into eating it. Our chef friend did marvellous things beside the sweet potato’s tho, turkey, duck, scallops, mash, green bean’s stuffing, cranberries, beets a nice little quick dish with the chantrelle mushrooms I picked on the way & lashings & lashings of gravy. Also 3 different pie’s for dessert. Pumpkin, raspberry & apple, so even I got to eat dessert.
correct me if I’m wrong … but aren’t carrots ORANGE?
Oooh, that was an underhanded way for your husband to plan the menu. I hope he was a gentleman and did the dishes! We had pecan pie, both Karo AND a recipe I found on NPR made with maple syrup, cream, brown sugar and molasses. I am NEVER buying Karo again. Also pumpkin pie, apple, and mincemeat, which I learned to eat at the knee of my sainted Scots grandmother. I’m sorry you didn’t get the Thanksgiving dinner of your dreams. Just remind them that Saint Nicholas is now watching!
The British have a strange blind spot for carrots. They are the only orange vegetable they’ll eat — and they insist they aren’t really orange.
Nortern X. way cool! I have a sister-in-law who lives in AK. and this time a year I flash to the episode where they wear special glass’s to keep from goin crazy. Chantrelles not up yet our neck of woods, get’n close I hope. My wife’s from Philly And she makes a great pecan pie, but there’s one pie she picked up from the Amish that involves molasses, brown sugar and maple syrup they call shoo fly pie. I wonder if its the same as SusanA, only without the cream?
Wow Lisa, sounds like you get Thanksgiving off next year! Andy knows his way around a kitchen, I’m sure he can make a smashing beef wellington while you come to our house for turkey and all the fixins!