No Royal Wedding? Obama, I’ve Got a Hotter Ticket For You

The news has broken: the Obamas will NOT be invited to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The rationale given is that, as William is not yet the direct heir to the throne, this will not be a state wedding. He and Kate want something more private, say something like the wedding his Uncle Edward enjoyed. The official Palace line is also, that in these tough economic times, the young couple want a low-key wedding such as the “post war appropriate” wedding his grandmother and Prince Philip had (where she paid for part of her gown with her ration books.) Instead, the couple is looking to fill their 2,000-slot guest list with ordinary people who have worked with Will’s 21 charities.  It’s all part of his desire to hold a “people’s wedding.” Bravo! He’s his mother’s son in the best possible way.

But that still doesn’t explain why the insufferable French President Nicholas Sarkozy and his dreadful social-climbing wife are rumored to be invited. And of course, some columnists who are, shall we say, not in the Obama Fan Club, are rubbing their hands with glee, calling this a snub and pontificating that it’s a sign Obama’s world stature is now on the level of Kim Jong Il’s.

Nonsense! Our President has better things to do than fidget uncomfortably in white tie and tails, probably in a drizzly cold English spring, with a bunch of chinless British royals and the leaders of now-irrelevant European countries.

Admit it. You didn't have that great a time with these people the last time you were over there. (And doesn't Philip look more and more like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons?)

Some may say Obama’s off the list of the social event of the season. But those would be the people who don’t know what we’re planning up at Two Terrier Vineyards for April 29th. We don’t have it all worked out yet, but we’ll be doing something. And Mr. President, you’re invited. Bring Michelle and the kids. Bring Bo the Dog.

Here are 10 reasons why The Two Terriers Not The Royal Wedding is going to be a thousand times more fun than whatever they’re planning on the other side of the pond. So pencil in the date and get Air Force One fueled up for a cross-country trip in April:

1. Better Brits! Sure, the Royal Wedding will have Englishmen, but our Englishmen are better. We’ve got Andy — and if you spend any time on this blog, you know how fun he is. And I’ve told you about our friend Julian who hails from a famous circus family. That’s just to name two. We can fill the lower pasture with wild and crazy Englishmen who are a lot more fun than what they’ve got. And what do they have? Prince Philip and that drip Prince Edward? I rest my case. We’ll even throw in a couple of Scots for good measure. One of them swam from Alcatraz.

2. Cooler Wheels. Oh, the Royals will probably roll out one of those Cinderella carriages they’re always tootling around in. Impressive, sure, but it’s not as if YOU are going to get to ride in it. But at The Two Terriers Not The Royal Wedding we’re bringing out the really cool vehicles. We’re talkin’ a tractor, ATVs, vintage Ford trucks — even the yellow one I call Tweety Bird. And because we have more fun Englishmen, we’ll have them bring all the classic cars they own between them. That royal carriage is going to look pretty lame when our friend Rob rolls up with his cherry red 1963 Bonneville convertible. He also owns the two iconic cars from the Bullit chase scene (well not the exact cars, but the same year and model.) Yeah, while those other Brits are dragging out moth-eaten carriages, our Brits are bringing the classic American metal. Is there even a comparison?

Screaming around in ATVs beats those foo-foo royal carriages any day. Hurry up, Mr. President, the terriers are waiting to see if you can really drive.

3. More Dog Friendly. There’s no way Bo is going to be invited to that shin-dig across the pond. But Oscar and Lucy will be rolling out the red carpet for him here. Well, they’ll probably be jumping all over him and splashing water in his face. But it’s all in good doggie fun.

4. Tastier Food. I’m sure you’ve heard about British food. We’re having a barbecue. ‘Nuff said.

5. Better Booze. Will they even serve wine at the wedding dinner? I can’t see Sarkozy offering to bring over any from his place. Even if he did, so what? Watch the movie Bottle Shock. California wine beats the French any day and twice on Sunday. We will be uncorking our finest. Rather have beer with your barbecue? Our friend Keith now owns the famed Anchor Steam Brewery. That means all libations at The Two Terrier Not the Royal Wedding will be organic, hand crafted and locally produced. I’m sure your people can spin that into a “Buy American” story.

6. Edible Gardens. Okay, you have to hand it to those other Brits. London’s got beautiful gardens and they’ll no doubt be sprucing them up for the occasion. But you can’t eat anything from them. By April, Flying Terrier Farms will be in full bloom with a bounty of edible produce. Michelle’s gonna love that.

7. Bigger Predators. You are an over six foot tall, African American world leader who plays trash-talkin’ basketball in your downtime. Mr. Obama, you run with the big dogs. Come out to a place that hosts large meat-eaters like Joaquin our Mountain Lion and the coyote family, Wiley,Wilma and the kids. Even our deer and our birds are bigger and badder than the sparrows and chipmunks or whatever they have left in England that Prince Philip hasn’t shot. You think Sarah Palin got some mileage out of that photo op with the dead caribou? Go one better with a Wild Kingdom shot with a LIVE Chuck the Buck.

They say the photo op with a dead caribou helped Sarah Palin. Up the danger quotient and have your picture taken with a LIVE mule deer. Chuck the Buck is ready for his close-up.

8. Wide Open Spaces. While people at that other party are fidgeting in their uncomfortable finery, you’ll be kicking back in khakis and sneaks. While they doze through boring speeches, we’ll hike, play bocce ball and drive around in those ATVs.

9. Cowboy Music. I suspect they’ll be pumping out a lot of Handel and Pachelbel at that other party. That will be nice, but I don’t remember Westminster Abbey having great acoustics. Now I’m not sure what you listen to at home, and I’d be glad to load up the iPods with the music of your choice, but I think you might get a kick out of my Two Terrier Western Mix. We’re talkin’ Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins, Sons of the Pioneers, Riders in the Sky. You know, faithless women, gunfights, outlaws and shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die. Trust me, it goes really well with barbecue.

10. A Bi-Partisan Party. I’m always looking for ways to serve my country. So here’s my plan. You’re having a tough time in Washington these days. I suspect it has something to do with trying to cross those aisles. It looks from here like a particularly nasty adult cross between Dodge Ball and Red Rover Red Rover. You run over there, they lob things at you. You run back to your side, they lob stuff at you as well. But what if I told you we have room for you to bring all those GOP and Tea Partiers who are giving you a tough time. Bring them out here. We’ll fill them full of ‘cue, wine and Anchor Steam beer. We’ll loosen ol’ John Boehner up with some wild ATV rides. You’ll see how fast we’ll get you some good old fashioned compromise. And don’t forget to bring those troublesome Blue Dog Democrats. Let them go a round with our dogs and they’ll get in line.

So that’s the plan. I think it’s a good one. Mr. President, have your people call my people. April is just around the corner. We’ve got a lot of planning to do.

Need more convincing? Just let me leave you with this one thought: NO SARKOZY.