ladygagapokerfaceWe’re all going gaga here since this past weekend when word spread that Lady GaGa had come to town. She was everywhere. She had dinner at our favorite restaurant, The Girl & The Fig. She and her entourage made multiple trips to Sonoma’s Best, the local emporium of all foodstuffs Sonoma. Then word came from our excellent local paper, The Sonoma Index-Tribune, that she had been checking out real estate within five miles of our place. Of course, no one can resist the charms of Sonoma, so if she’s gotten as far as real estate agents, she’s no doubt going to settle here. That is, if she gets the proper encouragement. I’m not sure if Sonoma has a Welcome Wagon, but I’m willing to step in and do my duty. That despite the fact that I wouldn’t know Lady GaGa or her music if she personally came up to our living loft here at the barn and downloaded it to my iPod. Still, from what little I know, she seems as if she’d make a perfect Sonoman. So without further ado, here are:

The Seven Things Lady GaGa Must Do When She Moves to Sonoma

1. Compare noses with terriers. One thing I’ve noticed about GaGa: she has a lovely long ethnic nose and no intention of fixing it to conform with some pre-fab ideal of beauty. The terriers heartily approve — of the attitude and the long nose. Therefore, her first step should be a nose rub in solidarity with the namesakes of Two Terrier Vineyards. As Oscar says, “We were born this way, too!”

smooth fox terrier

Oscar thinks your long nose makes you that much more beautiful. He wants to give you a kiss.

2. Workout with John the Baptist. Oh, GaGa’s in fabulous condition. But you know how they say you have to keep changing it up if you want to stay in shape. Well, no one has ever joined JtB’s crew without losing significant weight and packing on the muscle. DJ lost close to 50 pounds. One of the girls dropped close to 40. And nothing has more caché than having the hot new workout that no one else has. So let Gwyneth stick with Pilates. That’s so yesterday. I can see GaGa chopping chemise, digging out invasives and putting up silt fences with John and the crew. GaGa, you’ll develop an even more fabulous body. And learn a trade in case this music thing doesn’t work out.

3. Take over as head of our Farmer’s Market. Anyone who frequents this site knows the controversy we’ve had over our recently ousted Farmer’s Market Manager. Well, that position is vacant again. And I think GaGa is just the person to handle it. GaGa, you don’t need to know anything about vegetables. Leave that to the farmers. If you can organize a world tour, you can sort out a farmer’s market to the point where favored local vendors aren’t exiled to Siberia behind the porta-potties and clowns aren’t ousted from the venue.

4. Help out with the annual ox roast. You are famous for wearing a meat dress, so clearly you know how to handle yourself around slabs of beef. Every year our excellent volunteer fire department roasts an ox (well actually hundreds of tri-tips) out on the Plaza. It’s all for charity and you’d get to hang out with cute firemen! You’ll love it.

ox roast on the sonoma plaza

GaGa, you like meat. You've never seen so much meat as when our volunteer fire crews hold their annual ox roast on the Plaza.

5. Get some new musical influences. Madonna famously accused you of ripping off her songs. Time to leave the Club Music behind and find some new sources of inspiration. Anyone who’s been here will tell you the soundtrack for Two Terrier Vineyards is classic Country Western (accent on the Western). Think Johnny, Hank, Waylon, but also Sons of the Pioneers, Bob Wills and Marty Robbins. Make it your own! And incorporate line dancing into your stage routine. It’s always been popular in an ironic way in the Castro, so a big chunk of your audience will be there with you.

6. Do something the hard way with Cousin John. Again, if you frequent these pages, you know about our good friend Cousin John. He’s invaluable during winemaking, but he does insist on doing everything Old Skool. Really Old Skool. Last season he declared he didn’t want to use any winemaking techniques or equipment that couldn’t be found on a 15th Century Burgundian tapestry. You’ve got French Canadian roots so I know you’ll appreciate John’s Francophilia. You also seem like someone who likes to take the path less traveled. That’s our friend Cousin John. You two will hit it off like a house Medieval French chateau afire.

cousin john

Cousin John can get you in touch with your French heritage. And teach you how to harvest and make Verjus.

7. Marry Bachelor Ben. Anyone who’s been watching this season of the reality trainwreck that is The Bachelor knows that it features local boy and winemaker Ben Flajnik. He’s actually quite well thought of around these parts, although apparently he’s just a bit dim or at least unable to see through the nasty bee-yotch who has been playing him and is now in the finals. We Sonomans don’t want Courtney to become a Sonoman and that’s a real possibility if Ben is so foolish as to pick her next week. We’d rather have you. So solve two problems with one act. Marry Ben and save him from himself.

ben flajnik, the bachelor

GaGa, this local boy needs your help. And we Sonomans must be saved from having to put up with Courtney. (P.S. You could probably talk Ben into a more stylish haircut, too.)

That’s all I’ve got for now, but I’m sure I’ll come up with so much more. GaGa, we think underneath it all, you’re a Sonoma kind of gal. Welcome. Drop by and set a spell. We’re glad to have you.