worn-out-meth-pipeI think at some point I vaguely promised to stop posting about the ex-employee who was evicted from Two Terrier Vineyards about two weeks ago. But Meth — which is what we think is the burned residue we found on the foil pieces he’d stashed under the cabin — is apparently the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you’ve seen and dealt with the worst and the last of it, it gets more and worse. And we thought Friday’s discoveries couldn’t be topped. I mean what could be worse than hauling out FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS of garbage from in, around and under the cabin where this guy used to stay part time? Think I’m exaggerating? We loaded this stuff into the trailer and took it to the dump. Sorry Mother Earth, we didn’t want to attempt recycling. We didn’t want to touch anything. We just tagged it and bagged it for disposal. At the Sonoma dump, you pay by the pound. So they weighed the load. FOUR HUNDRED FRICKEN POUNDS! I have the receipt if anyone’s interested. Needless to say, we pretty much dismantled the cabin, disposed of half of it, disinfected what little was left, painted it and rebuilt it.

So anyway, the worst of it? Not by a long shot. We finally found that drug residue laced foil and eye-witnesses who confirmed our worst fears — there was definitely drug use going on up here. Lots of it. And judging by the evidence, with at least several people participating. While much of the damage and evidence was photographed, the vast majority is not suitable for a blog that might be stumbled onto by children. Or adults with tender sensibilities. Or people with hair-trigger gag reflexes. Which is a shame. Because at some point, as we surveyed and assessed the carnage, it occurred to us that this situation would be a fantastic “Scared Straight” lesson for kids contemplating drug use.

Yup, if you’ve got kids that you think are in danger of dabbling in drugs or heading off the rails, send them to Two Terrier PRE-Hab. We call it PRE-Hab because this unique program is designed to stop potential experimenters in their tracks BEFORE they even pick up that first joint. Sure, I’m going to charge you thousands. But think of the money you’ll save on repeated re-hab stays. Not to mention the averted heartache and tears.

Hear me out. I see no downside. Except that I would have to re-employ this character for it to work. But I’d get my buddy the Sonoma County Sheriff to supervise closely. It’s Safety First at Two Terrier PRE-Hab.

1. First comes the video portion of our program. One of the most shocking things I’ve learned about Meth is just how jackrabbit rapid it is from first hit to absolute rock bottom. It’s not like we were all looking the other way while this employee — who we will call Tweaky McTweakerson — spiraled down to the abyss. One week he was an eccentric but hard-working employee, doing tough manual labor and doing it well. The next week practically he had such a noticeable personality change that I started reassigning him away from certain crews and other workers who were complaining about his frightening, intimidating and erratic behavior. It was only a week or two after that when another employee and I started comparing notes on him and trying to figure out what was wrong. Followed by several attempts to sit down with McTweakerson and talk to him about his behavior. Unfortunately, I then had a period of not being able to get up here except on flying visits. McTweakerson was able successfully to avoid me for months, even when I texted him that I was coming up and wanted to see him. Turns out our other employees barely saw him during this time as he became an evasion expert. When I finally corralled him the week before last, what a shock! Besides being nearly incoherent, unable to focus his eyes and looking like he’d been dragged around the yard by a pack of terriers, he had that epic blowup of which I’ve written. So our video will introduce the kiddies to a time-stamped video record of rapid deterioration by drugs. All in the span of less than eight months.

Remember those creepy big eyed kids painted by Keane in the Sixties? Yeah, that's your kid at Two Terrier PRE-Hab. And there won't be kittens!

Remember those creepy big eyed kids painted by Keane in the Sixties? Yeah, that’s your kid at Two Terrier PRE-Hab. And there won’t be kittens!

2. Now it’s on to rapid and vomit-inducing immersion. Okay, for this part we’d have to build another cabin — one that would never be used for human habitation. Except that we’d get McTweakerson to bring it to the state it was in when he was fired. By my calculation, that might take four months. But we expect some lead time in setting up the program. Anyway, once McTweakerson has the place festooned inside and out with disgusting and possibly toxic garbage, we’ll set little Mindy and Jason — your drug-dabbling kids — to cleaning it out. Because that’s a task guaranteed to scare your little problem children straight. In fact, it will, as we say in professional drug counseling circles, scare the holy living crap out of them. Oh, and they have to do this on a South facing hillside in the hot summer Sonoma sun. Just so everything is really, really ripe. If your kids haven’t become Mormons by this point, wait. There’s more.

3. Imagine working UNDER a Tweaker! Yup, this is the hard-core portion of PRE-Hab. One of the things I noticed more than McTweakerson’s de-evolution was the effect he was having on the crew he worked with and was ostensibly directing. Granted, he was wandering off for the better part of the day, but what little time he spent with the crew, Man, he made it count. I’ve never seen a group of big strong guys look so much like battered wives. These guys were practically flinching every time this guy’s name was mentioned. They never knew when he’d blow up, how badly he’d erupt or what fool-ass thing he’d do. The guys were just keeping their heads down, trying to work at a distance and survive each week. Unfortunately, like battered wives, they were internalizing a lot of the madness. So it was only yesterday that I heard the story — which even now I can barely believe — that he nearly shot another employee with a turkey gun. But don’t worry, parents, we won’t give McTweakerson a loaded gun. Just salt pellets. Your kids won’t take anything stronger than skimmed milk after they’ve worked a week under the command of Tweaky McTweakerson. Besides The Crazy, this will be Hard Time. And we can guarantee McTweakerson will do the sort of things to your kids he did to our crew. Like watch them digging trenches in the hot sun to lay and bury nearly a mile of lighting cable. Then coming out at night to rip it all up because he thinks there might be one missing junction box. Nope, no coddling potential druggies at Two Terrier PRE-Hab! This isn’t Breaking Bad. This is all about breaking your kids very, very badly.

The Duke sez: "Kids, don't do drugs! Or you're going to Two Terrier PRE-Hab, Pilgrim."

The Duke sez: “Kids, don’t do drugs! Or you’re going to Two Terrier PRE-Hab, Pilgrim.”

Oh and there is so much more. But we don’t need no steenkin’ twelve steps. I doubt there is a kid in America, no matter how bent on juvenile delinquency, who’d last through the above three. Not that we can’t put them through more. In fact, the way things are going, we’re probably just scratching the surface of what our program could include. And I haven’t even brought the terriers into the mix!

Yup. The answer to ending drug use is preventative shit-scaring. And we at Two Terrier PRE-Hab think we have a unique talent for it. Jeez, this should be a mandatory program in every U.S. public school and all the more enlightened private ones. Who is the Secretary of Education again? Let me make a call.

Oh, and kids, seriously. DON’T DO DRUGS! Don’t even think about it. Because if you are just thinking about it, you are ripe for Two Terrier PRE-Hab. I’m talking to your parents…and, believe me, it will all end in tears.


Addendum: In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that one of McTweakerson’s supporters says I’m “being mean” to blog about him — even with names changed to protect the guilty.

To which I say: If you come on to my property in a position of trust, do drugs, intimidate other workers, pile up 400 pounds of garbage, including drug residue encrusted aluminum foil, bottles, cans, garbage from half-eaten junk food, condoms, porn, women’s underwear and cigarette butts — the remains of parties you’ve had with god knows who — well, you’re gonna get blogged about. Deal with it.