cabgrapesTonight I watched “Going Clear” the documentary exposé on Scientology. I had no idea. I was creeped out even before the credits had stopped rolling. But, truth be told, I was kind of fascinated. What a great scam! And how could I get in on this? Because working the tax-free religious angle AND taking advantage of gullible slave labor that will work for 60¢ an hour? I think that could work for me and Two Terrier Vineyards. In fact, this could be the difference between a break-even hobby and an actually profitable business.

So welcome to my cult. I’m calling it Vinetology. It’s a religion based around wine. Wine is a sacrament. That part’s easy. Wine is also the raison d’etre of the whole religion. It’s all about the wine. In fact, you earn brownie points for heaven the more connected you are with wine. Really want to get close to the Divine Creator? Work in a vineyard. My vineyard. Trimming vines, cutting grass between rows, pruning vines, picking grapes, processing grapes. It’s like the stations of the cross. Scientology would charge you for this sort of religious “class”. I’m offering it for free. Just do the work on your own time and your own dime. Spiritual elevation is the added benefit.

Terriers. Did I mention terriers? Well, you know how Scientology tells you that Thetans are invading your body and directing your thoughts? Well, in Vinetology, you actually aspire to having the spirit of terriers invade your body. We call it TerrierTude. And once you achieve it, you can handle anything. All converts to Vinetology will be assigned a terrier. A terrier overlord. Because terriers will be your masters. Bring cookies. Be prepared to provide walks, ball tosses and ear scritches. These are all paths to higher consciousness. Don’t believe me? Ask Shirley McLaine. She believes dogs are more attuned to previous lives than we are and that terriers are particularly prescient. Shirley’s basically a saint in the Church of Vinetology.

In my cult, you will be audited by terriers. And nothing gets past them.

In my cult, you will be audited by terriers. And nothing gets past them.

I don’t think I’ll even bother with the dungeons and solitary confinement that Scientology uses. We’re a kinder, gentler cult. So no scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes for Vinetology cult members. The most onerous duties will be terrier brushing and ball throwing. Well, besides all that manual labor in the vineyards. But we’re calling that class room time, so it doesn’t really count.

The last thing I need to work on are famous actors to join my cult. What a perfect target. These are people who often have a lot of self esteem issues based on the high amount of rejection in their business. And the successful ones have a shit-ton of money. But in Vinetology, we’re not going after the action hero movie stars or former Sweat Hogs. We only want top notch thespians. Here’s my targets for Vinetology: Benedict Cumberbatch, Daniel Craig, Robert Downey Jr., Sir Ian McCellan, Dame Maggie Smith. See here’s where we differ from Scientology. We want the educated actors who are actually good at their craft. But they’ll still be working in the vineyard. No one escapes that aspect of Vinetology. In the evening, they can perform in our amphitheater.

I did mention that Two Terrier Vineyards has an amphitheater? "Now is the vineyard of our discontent..."

I did mention that Two Terrier Vineyards has an amphitheater? “Now is the vineyard of our discontent…”

Whata ya say? Sure, it’s a cult. But we’ve got wine. It’s gotta be a lot more fun than Scientology. Join up. You’ll love it. I promise. We’re going Clear…er…Terrier. We’re going Terrier. Sign up now. Only $200  for the introductory classes. Shovel provided.